SELF CARE: 30 hours awake, fear, and general oddness

Colorful butterfly contrasted with gray scale landscape of trees sideways behind a grassy hill with clouds in the sky. Key words: tired, hopeful, dreams, scared, confused
Self Care is hard…

Beginning with…

I admit it. I’m still afraid of my mother. I’m still afraid of being rejected by my father. Life goes on, but the fear stays. And instead of being my present adult self, I’m instinctively reacting to those fears. It stinks.

Makes life difficult because the instinctive reaction is not something I can control. Wasn’t even aware of it before the past two weeks. Life is bumping along, and then…boom! Family is back. Body hurts. Life feels so confusing. Am I losing myself? Why am I reacting without thinking?

Until finally (with help from counselors) it dawns on me. Dong dong dong…I’m not happy with the boundaries my parents and I agreed to about communication. And the fear of not being able to discuss it with my father bothers me on many levels. Plus, there’s mom.

Anything I tell her or write to her is something she can use against me. There’s no point talking to her about this stuff. A) she won’t care or listen. B) she’ll use it as a way to hurt me and add more drama to my life. But Still have to figure out something.

So I pulled on my big girl pants and wrote to my dad after a few hours of self care at home.

And 30 hours straight without sleep…

The self care:

  • Cooking dinner
  • Watching a funny movie with dinner
  • Chatting with a mentor via email
  • relaxing with some prime time TV

Then writing the email to Dad before the TV.

TV as background noise, and I’m distracted. For some reason, card games are on my mind. I find a free online card game (no gambling, account set up, etc. required) where I play against a computer and get engrossed.

9:00 PM rolls around, and I think to myself…one more game. But that game feels like it lasts forever.

10:00 PM rolls around, and I’m excited to watch the next show. But commercials bore me, and I get distracted by a new round of Hearts.

11:00 PM and I’m listening to the weather reports while playing Spades. The noise continues in the background. I keep playing, wanting to win one time.

2:30 AM a noise outside distracts me, so I look out my window. It looks like late afternoon with all the buildings and high rises lit up against a dark sky.

5:30 AM and the sky starts changing color, startling me out of my game. It’s too late for me to try to sleep; work starts in a few hours. After informing my boss, I start working on the day’s tasks. With the first one finished, we agree that I’m better off getting some sleep before starting the next one. I leave work early.

Self Care at its finest…

Some chocolate & tea to keep me awake as I start to drift off…

A phone call to the hotline to check in and try and remember strategies to help me sleep.

24 hours awake, and my second wind hits. A hot meal, and talk with my mentor leaves me feeling relaxed, but not sleepy.

Some hot chamomile tea and deep breathing sets the sleep mood.

I crawl into bed, under the covers around 2PM and finally drift off. But my body has other ideas…

  • Gotta use the bathroom..wake up…WAKE UP…ouch okay 5PM, and it’s time to take a walk
  • Huh…why so dark…my leg’s itching again…ouch…it’s not going away…9:00PM and it’s time for another visit to the bathroom
  • Dreaming…dreaming…who’s trying to escape this time? Oh wait, time to get up and go to work.

And so starts Thursday with the foggy, confused mind and beginnings of body memory pain.

Pain, bruises, dream-disturbed sleep, and 2 posts today

Thursday began with a headache and minor back/shoulder pain.

Friday began with intense, acute upper back/neck/should pain every time I tried to move my arms. Thankfully, my home made massage oil and steam blend helped enough to make working possible. Early to bed, late to wake up. More massage oil and some time with the self-massage ball on my back and shoulders.

Epiphany hits…it’s not my back that hurts, but the muscles around my arm pits and rib cage. The pain registers along my spine because the other muscles are still numb and can’t register pain. Yay for body memories…not. Late to bed, and late to wake up the next day.

Water the plants, worry about my ivy – it’s not getting enough water and needs to be re-potted – but not sure how to fix the problem yet. Pack a donations bag and off to counseling.

A one-two punch: new building management = lots of anxiety. When was I notified? Officially the notes were taped on Friday. Personally, I got them on my way to counseling. Yeah, new management and I just signed a 14 month lease…

Self Care: drop off some donations (clothing that doesn’t work) and get lunch at a new restaurant. Then visit my favorite store and the library. Enjoy the walking around and go home to relax. Some card games, lots of sleep, and more pain management until Sunday morning.

Pain Management: massage ball, light stretching, and finally looking at myself in the mirror – time to acknowledge the pain and see if it shows on my body. Surprise, yup the front of my chest and under my arm pits look slightly darker in color – aka bruised. And now I’m left wondering…what the heck did I do in my sleep between Thursday and Friday? Or is it really my body revealing it’s hurt so that all parts of me can start healing?

And here we are today…

I’m awake. The head hurts. The body hurts.

Took a walk earlier, but not as much fun in the rain and cold as other times.

Read comments, wrote to WordPress customer support, and published two posts.

That’s all for today.

Thanks for reading ūüôā


ADMIN Post: Quiet weekend, short post

Due to the extra post this week, this one is short.

Between the nightmares and the stuff with my parents, body memories acted up and caused lots of pain last week. The pain was bad enough that I cried a lot, had some trouble eating/sleeping, and eventually had a panic attack.

Thanks to meditation and acupuncture, the pain has lessened a lot. But I’m still tired, feeling low energy, and slightly dehydrated from all the sleeping & meditating.

On the good side, a lot of the body memories are starting to leave my body. As it moves, the puffiness and swelling go down too. My muscles start to relax more, and everything feels less painful.

So this weekend is a slow one.

What are your plans for a slow weekend?

thanks for reading

Self Care: Taking Care of a Cold

History of Colds/Sinus Infections

Around this time every year, I start getting a recurring stuffy nose/cold symptoms that sometimes feel like sinus infections. Part of it is body memories. Part of it is real illness. Problem is I usually can’t tell the difference because any cold symptom triggers anxiety and body memories for my alters. Alters whose automatic defense mechanism kick in to hide the severity or intensity of the symptoms as long as possible from everyone.

The “cold” doesn’t start to get better until everyone acknowledges to another person that the cold is real. Then all of the symptoms mysteriously appear to make all of me feel miserable.

Last year it turned into the flu for reasons beyond my control.

This year, it feels like a head/chest cold with some sinus pressure. But my head still hurts, sinuses still hurt, sneezing is loud and unpredictable, and really, really just want to sleep.

The downside:

  • Can’t take over the counter (OTC) medicine
  • Can’t take prescription medicine or antibiotics
  • Going to the doctor won’t help much except to confirm the existence of a cold or sinus infection
  • Don’t feel like going to Chinese medicine for an appointment either – none of my alters want to get treated by a new intern right now

The upside:

  • I can take care of the symptoms on my own for a few days using the herbs and aromatherapy already in my apartment
  • If this gets worse, all parts of me agree to go for a Chinese medicine appointment
  • Our body is less reactive to this trigger, so we have an easier time knowing the difference between body memories and true illness
  • Living in my body and learning what the different sensations helped me (and the others) notice the difference between how my body feels when it is healthy vs unhealthy
  • Past experience taught me that diffusing eucalyptus and peppermint oil helped clear my sinuses and make breathing easier
    • (do not diffuse if you have pets; please use a different inhalation or topical method)
  • Same with an OTC herbal tincture (left over from last year’s intern appointments) that worked specifically for head colds

A Nice Surprise

To be quite honest, I was not expecting any of this to work. My alters can be stubborn about triggers and flashbacks related to illness. They have (in the past) blocked and hidden symptoms from doctors during visits so all of us end up confused about why I visited. They have also been known to switch and take over so that even when I or other parts want to rest we keep going instead.

I think the turning point for this time (we were only in denial for 3 days instead of weeks) was our new plant friends.

If you’ve read past posts, you know that I believe every person has special gifts they can choose to accept and develop or deny and ignore. Me personally, I prefer to accept all of my gifts and explore how they help me become a better version of my authentic self.

Now back to plants – many avid gardeners and growers believe in talking to their plants. Playing music is also beneficial. I also believe that my plants talk to me – not with words – in their own special language. They tell me when they want more water or need to be moved to a different location in the apartment when their leaves droop or start to turn brown. Happy plants are bright green or greenish with leaves and stems standing up or extended out.

So what happened?

My plants were not thirsty, cold, or in need of a move, but their leaves started drooping. And their colors got dull on the first day I woke up feeling sick. Each day, as my cold got worse, their leaves drooped more.

Not until I started taking care of the cold with my favorite drinks (peppermint tea and hot water with honey), aromatherapy, and herbs did they start to perk up.

My plants are perkier now, but still not like before so I know I have ways to go before the cold is gone.

Self Care

  • If the cold doesn’t get better by Tuesday, I will go to the Chinese Medicine clinic for assistance.
  • While there, I’ll also stop at the medicinally to pick up more of the OTC herbal tincture and cough drops that also help
  • More sleep and rest because Monday is a work day…thankful this week is slow instead of busy
  • Figure out grocery and cooking situation because pretty much all of me wants soup, soup, and more soup.
  • Continue with the aromatherapy too because it really does help with the sinus pressure and stuffy nose.

Question

How do you handle colds? Does illness affect you in similar ways?

I hope you all stay healthy and warm (or cool if you live in the Southern hemisphere).

Thanks for reading.

Recovery: Slowing Down & Self Care

Short post today.

I am recovering from a week of panic attacks and flashbacks today, so have not got much to write about. ¬†After this post, I plan on sleeping some more to get ready for Monday’s work, etc.

In other news, I continue to slow down my life to focus on what feels meaningful and important while letting go of what doesn’t with joy and grace. ¬†But more on that later.

Finally, apologies to anyone whose blogs I follow for not being an active commenter. ¬†I am following your progress and cheering you on from the sidelines (aka as a lurker) even though I can’t keep up with all of your updates. ¬†I’ve been on an Internet cleanse on and off for the past few months – only checking in with school, work, and existing author sites on my “read” list – to understand my anger and frustration towards technology.

Social media, in general, is not something I am comfortable with no matter how hard I try to learn and feel safe using it. ¬†If not for the fact that I need some kind of presence to exist for work and this blog, I’d shun it all together and live happily with phone/text, email, and letter-writing.

So please keep me on your lists. ¬†I am following, reading/viewing your updates, and cheering you on from the sidelines. ¬†But I will never be active and seldom will comment. It’s just not who I am or how I choose to live my life. ¬†If I do have something to share, I will comment or use the comment box to send an email thorough your website/blog.

Thanks for reading.

Self Care: Sometimes “Doing Nothing” is “Doing Something”

I don’t know about any of you, but sometimes I wonder whether or not “doing nothing” is a contradiction.

Why?
Because choosing not to do anything is doing something.

Even when I am not moving, active, or working on a physical task, my mind is still working.  My senses are working.  Something is occurring.

Plus, being tired slows a person down, correct?
Eventually, “slowing down” becomes “stopping”.

In ¬†this case or situation, does “stopping” mean “relax” or “rest”?
For me, yes.  For others, maybe.

Still…

Even if I am not doing anything (aka doing nothing), my body is doing something

My body is digesting food, healing itself on the inside, circulating blood, breathing, and providing energy for future use.

 Conclusion

Sometimes, but not always, DOING NOTHING is actually DOING SOMETHING. ¬†You don’t have to see or hear or smell or taste or touch what’s happening for it to be real. ¬†You don’t have to believe or have faith or approve of these opinions.

You can accept that sometimes more happens when a person stops and takes a moment to exist than in all of the minutes, hours, etc. spent being busy.

Reflection Questions circling my mind

What is Self Care other than doing something that helps you feel good about yourself or take care of yourself?

How would being busy all the time help people feel good about or take care of themselves?

Finally, how can anyone really help and take care of other people if she or he does not take care of herself or himself first?

Thanks for reading.