Anger: I wrote a post, forgot to save it, and lost it…

Disclaimer: this is a place of learning, safety, and hope. Take what you want from the post and forget the rest. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t.

*Trigger Warning: This post may contain triggers; read at your own pace*

I wrote a post about anger, triggers, racism, people-pleasing, and boundaries. But I forgot to save it as I wrote and lost all the content. No photos other than the main photo because this isn’t the type of post where I can find appropriate ones.

So instead of re-doing all that, I’m going to keep this as concise as possible.

My boundaries have been constantly violated this past few weeks by people who connected with me over social media to be “friends”. They pushed and pushed until I finally put my foot down and ended the “friendship”. And yes I have quotes around that word because their idea of friendship did not meet mine.

Each of these challenges had me constantly wondering what life lesson my spiritual guardians were teaching me. It kept me up a couple nights this week. It stressed me out so I have been off my diet lately – by diet I mean forgetting to eat or not feeling hungry and doing something about that. And it made me extremely aware of the changes in my body.

Positive changes, but still changes.

So then I realized this was a boundary challenge and a lesson about social interaction. I am not a social person. My interaction is mostly limited to my parents (daily), work (frequent, but not often), and other people once or twice a month. Email and text are the preferred communication tools, but phone calls and video happen too.

My interactions with these people felt overwhelming and frustrating. They texted multiple times a day every day for over a week using the social media messengers. At first, they agreed to friendship. But then they wrote comments that seemed outside of friendship and into the realm of intimate relationships. And they refused to give me personal space when I asked for it.

But I felt confused because my experience with this kind of social interaction and communication is almost zero. So I asked myself what is really bothering me about all these communications? Is it that I started an account with another social media app to chat with this person outside of LinkedIn safely? Is it that I felt let down that I gave in to peer pressure and shared outside contact info with two people who were strangers?

And was I letting myself down by ending potential friendships with these people when I was trying to “put myself out there more”?

That final question was the biggest and most challenging to answer.

But in the end, I valued my personal and emotional safety more than making and keeping friends. These people, with their constant need for communication, disrespect of my personal boundaries, and triggering comments/emojis made me feel exposed, triggered, and unsafe to the point where I had trouble sleeping and eating again.

Between them and the big racism issues popping up everywhere, I felt like I was falling down the rabbit hole again. Nightmares, dreams, you name it I experienced it all week long.

The lesson I learned?

I am enough as I am. I am putting myself out there and trying new things. Sometimes, the “new things” don’t work, so it’s okay to stop and move on.

Being solitary suits me so there is no need to try and form outside friendships or continue friendships that feel unsafe. Next time I start to feel this way, remember Theodore Geisel aka Dr. Seuss and his reclusive, yet successful and happy lifestyle choices.

So yes I am angry. I feel residual past anger and present anger. The challenge now is to climb out of the rabbit hole.

Thanks for reading.

Sensory Movement Challenge Day 6: Funny Faces, a sleepless night, and dancing plants

Disclaimer: this is a place of learning, safety, and hope. Take what you want from the post and forget the rest. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t.

Sleepless Night = Thankful for flexible hours

As always, I tend to do things out of order. Or maybe an order that only makes sense in my head?

No matter what, yesterday was overwhelming. Between work and news updates, coping with life feels harder than normal. The healing circle helped a lot, but it also brought up memories and things I am not prepared to work with right now.

So, I took the opportunity of a sleepless night to finish a work project on deadline and have some fun dancing in the dark. My plants were sleeping. The night was quiet. Groceries came late, so I ate late too. But the Internet was going strong, and I was too high on adrenaline to calm down.

So I worked and danced in my work chair. I smiled and laughed at a kindle unlimited book on another screen. Looked at cute cat photos from an adoption agency (yes I plan to adopt a cat this year). And continued the boring work tasks necessary to create client deliverables on deadline while drinking peppermint tea with ginger-infused honey.

The task took less time than I anticipated; wrapped up around 2AM, so I lay down to rest for a few hours before starting the work day.

Funny Faces – Making and Rearranging of Face muscles

Work finished early, and I was tired, but not ready to sleep. It’s one of those sunny, but cold days where the heat doesn’t always work because it’s too warm outside, but cold inside. So I lay down on my comfy chair in the living room with some blankets and decided to do muscle relaxation meditation.

8 out of 10 times, I fall asleep during this meditation. Kid you not. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t talk about it much here. Nothing to say other than a) it works; and b) it puts me to sleep.

But then it got noisy. Guess the upstairs neighbor came home from somewhere and decided to move around?? So I came back to the present with an achy face. Felt like everything from my eyebrows to my chin was stiff. So I started moving my cheeks up and down. The left side felt different from the right side. So I alternated moving one side up and down with the other a few times. And suddenly, my nose wasn’t so stuffy either.

So then I tried to wiggle my nose (or scrunch it up and down) to see how that felt. Again, it was an unexpected sensation – like when you pull your fingers backward to stretch them – and sound inside my nose as I breathed in and out.

Next I tried moving my cheek bones and muscles side to side (like a half smile), alternating that with puckering and lifting my lips in different positions (grimace, smile, open, closed, bared teeth). I never realized how many small muscles, ligaments, and tendons there were in the lower part of my face before this. As I moved my cheeks, lips, and nose, the sensations occurred as far away as my ears (where my jaw connects to the skull), chin, and forehead.

So I got my eyes and forehead and jaw involved too. All this with my eyes closed as I reclined with my head tilted backwards. Because why not? I was comfortable curled up under my covers and half asleep. Then the noise and cold breeze from the windows distracted me. So I entertained myself making funny faces.

And ended up with today’s movement challenge.

Dancing Plants = happy plants

Right, I forgot to mention this all happened in about 1-2 hours while my mobile phone played music from a classic rock playlist. By classic I mean from the 1950’s to 1970’s. Earlier in the day, I had an audiobook on before the work meeting, and the plants perked up. We don’t often listen to music or other stuff during the day because there’s so much noise from people and cars.

But it was (and has been) quieter than normal. So I put the music on for them while I rested. We all like music (in general), but my plants have some favorite genres. Classic Rock being their number 1 favorite. They like jazz, blues, instrumental/new age, classical, and musicals too. But Classic Rock always gets them dancing.

So what happens when you have a bright sunny day, windows are open, everyone gets a drink of water, and the music is playing?

Dancing plants. I kid you not. They perk up their leaves and branches; then start swaying and moving without a wind. If they weren’t so camera shy, I’d make a video to share. But they are camera shy.

And so while I made funny faces and relaxed into meditation, they danced and laughed in the sun.

Reflection

All in all, it was a fun start to what could have been a tired, stressful day. I got an extra nap. The plants danced. We laughed and played. Got energized to do some clean up. And learned that I really need to be mindful of exercising my face and jaw muscles more.

No, that doesn’t mean I’ll talk more. Or less. Eat more/less. Drink/hydrate.

Yes, it does mean I will work harder to be expressive (express emotions), smile, laugh, and make faces just for the fun of it in my private time.

Who knows what will happen…maybe my RBF will morph into an RFF (resting fun face) instead?

No matter what, I hope you all make some time to laugh today.

Thanks for reading.

Sensory Movement Challenge Day 3: Curve Balls, a restless nap, and cleaning — Scent Reflections LLC

Exercise 1: Kitchen Fun/Guilty Pleasure Dinner What a day. 4 hours at work. Then I planned to do some house cleaning and laundry. Want to organize my kitchen so that I can try out the new combination convection oven/air fryer. It was going to be a guilty pleasure dinner night – oven baked or air […]

Sensory Movement Challenge Day 3: Curve Balls, a restless nap, and cleaning — Scent Reflections LLC

Movement Challenge: Sleep is a Requirement not an option

Disclaimer: this is a place of learning, safety, and hope. Take what you want from the post and forget the rest. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t.

Sleep is often a challenge for me. Since childhood, I’ve experienced vivid dreams and nightmares that feel real. I am a restless sleeper who constantly moves in her sleep, but also likes to curl up and cuddle when in a deep, non-dreaming sleep period.

Thanks to the trauma of my past, I also experience night sweats, night terrors, sleep paralysis, and panic attacks too. And have alter personalities that don’t sleep at night. Some part of me is always awake and take sleep shifts to maintain this routine.

Before moving to Oregon, I never slept more than 3-4 hours at a time. It was restless, light sleep that did not offer any healing or rejuvenation. The healing only happened when I was so tired from lack of sleep that I would pass out and sleep for a day or longer at a time.

After moving to Oregon, I started experiencing deep, REM sleep in between the nightmares and panic attacks that woke me or the alters on night duty up so easily. Eventually, I started sleeping for longer periods of time too. The longer periods were a mix of REM, healing sleep and light, disturbed sleep.

But the difference was remarkable. The more sleep I got, the better I felt overall. Emotional balance was and is easier to attain/maintain. Physical health improved in a variety of ways. Triggers were (and are) easier to manage. Bonus: sound and smell triggers are noted if they wake one or more of us up, but do not impact rest or sleep in a significant way anymore. i.e. I can sleep through them when I feel safe in my home and building.

These days, I really feel it when I don’t get enough sleep. The guilt and increase in symptoms this time of year makes sleep a precious commodity. But I’ve learned some tips that help. Maybe they will help you too

Sleep tips

  1. Feel safe and protected wherever you live.
    1. I cannot stress how important this is because it’s something I am working with in real time (the present)
    2. Because I feel safe in this building and this apartment, the continued noise and sensation disturbances from my upstairs neighbor (exact same ones as from my last two places, but that is another story) don’t interrupt my sleep anymore. I literally sleep through the noise and the vibrations/massage sensations that used to interrupt my downtime and sleep.
  2. Stay hydrated and use the facilities before bed if you can
    1. The two major things that wake me up these days are 1) get thirsty and feel dry lips; 2) have to empty my bladder or bowels because the discomfort wakes me up
  3. Think about memories, feelings, experiences, or stories (includes reading or listening to or watching media) that help you move into a relaxed, safe frame of mind
  4. Do activities that help you feel relaxed and safe or move into a relaxed, safe state of mind
    1. stretching/yoga/gentle movement
    2. bath or shower
    3. mediation or deep breathing
    4. coloring/journaling/cleaning (I like to do dishes sometimes)
    5. Your idea here
  5. Sleep somewhere besides your bed that feels warm/cool, safe, and comfortable
    1. This used to disturb my parents and anyone else whose place where I stayed the night because I would randomly fall asleep in bed and wake up somewhere else in the house
    2. After I moved out, I kept extra pillows and blankets in the living room. Sometimes I had a sofa or comfy chair to sleep on. Other times it was the floor
    3. These days I have a convertible floor chair that folds out into a lounge chair and bed. It has extra pillows and blankets, and I’ve been sleeping there for the past two nights

And as I continue thinking about the movement challenge starting on Sunday, I wonder if sharing photos of my different sleep spaces and “DIY exercise equipment” will be useful or not.

Also wonder if doing a Facebook video or Facebook live to start the challenge will be useful too. Then you all can meet me at the beginning and give me some accountability if I get cold feet 🙂

Thanks for reading.

Self Care Challenge: 1/20/2020 – Aromatherapy Inhaler for Emotional Support & Panic Attacks — Scent Reflections LLC

Action: Smell essential oil blend in the aromatherapy inhaler when I felt triggered, overwhelmed, or distracted at work.

Intention: Use the essential oil blend to bring me back to the present moment when I feel triggered or stressed out.

Reflection: Some people call it a “power pause”. Others call it “mindfulness”. I personally call it a sensory grounding strategy that provides emotional support + cold/flu/allergy prevention by engaging my senses – smell and vision.

Self Care Challenge: 1/20/2020 – Aromatherapy Inhaler for Emotional Support & Panic Attacks — Scent Reflections LLC

I’m doing a Self Care Challenge this week. Come join me at Scent Reflections!

Thanks for reading.

AlterXpressions