This time of year, I think about my family often. A lot of “firsts” happened between November and May. Including the first time my dad chose someone else instead of me. That choice left me feeling shamed, rejected, and hurt (physically and emotionally).
Perspective has taught me that, no matter what he said or did, my father loves me. He has never chosen me or put me first, but he does love me and did try to take care of me as best he could. In fact, I sometimes wonder if some of the things he said and did after I reached adulthood were his way of protecting me and ensuring I had the means to become and independent adult.
Self-Reflection over the past few months has taught me that I am truly in a better place overall. I feel physically safe 99% of the time and emotionally safe about 80% of the time except during the rough periods. My life is prosperous and overall happy. Because of all this, I am in a position to reach out and contact my dad without the crippling anxiety or fear of discovery/intrusion into my present life.
So I am composing a letter to him. Right now, the drafts are in my mind. At some point, I will decide whether or not to type or hand write the letter and mail it in an envelope with only my initials. No contact info or ability to trace anything back to me.
I miss my dad. I worry about him and his health. And I worry about the responsibility he has in taking care of the egg donor.
Yes, I am still reluctant to call her “mom” or “mother”, etc. She didn’t raise me. And she never really took care of me. I only got her attention when I embarrassed, insulted, shamed, or offended her in some way. Or when she decided to “be a nice mom” and involve herself in my life to show how much she loves me and how little I appreciate her.
No I don’t want anything to do with her or my sibling and his circle of people.
Will this be difficult? Yes because they all share a house.
Do I care? Not anymore.
Wish me luck. The goal is to have this letter written and mailed out by summer.
Thanks for reading.