An odd thing happened earlier this week.
I was late meeting the Uber and ended up in the wrong car. My lateness triggered a panic attack that increased when I realized I was in the wrong car. The driver couldn’t wait to get me out even though he was polite and courteous. The panic attack led me to being late for my acupuncture appointment.
Lucky for me, my practitioner and the people in reception knew me well and helped calm the attack. Our treatment focused on easing the anxiety through grounding and balancing my chi. We didn’t have time for the bodywork and massage, but I left feeling calmer and more clearheaded. This time, I got the right Uber and home on time.
One thing I always have to remember is that these treatments take a lot out of my body. In stimulating my chi and forcing stagnant blockages to move, the acupuncture and bodywork promote internal healing of my organs too. That means more sleep, more liquids, more food and more movement are needed to replenish what’s being used. Sometimes meditation can be substituted for sleep. Sometimes not.
But this week especially, I realized something was different. When I lay down at night, my body buzzed on the inside from toes to head. I wasn’t shaking or trembling. My external self (skin, arms, legs, torso, head, neck, toes, fingers) wasn’t moving. But I was trembling on the inside. I could feel my blood circulating, my chi moving along the veins and through muscle.
It scared me. And it made calming into a sleep state feel wrong. But I was so tired. Reading books didn’t help. My eyes and head were tired. Music was too stimulating. Audio books came to my rescue. I listened to them as I fell asleep. Thank technology for wireless headphones.
Audio books also drowned out the trauma memory voices telling me to hurt and punish myself. They distracted my alters and my body from reliving those experiences through backlash and shame until all of us were ready to cope with the new set of memories unleashed by the slow balancing of my chi.
I mentioned a lot of needles on my abdomen; needles also went into my legs, neck, and head to help clear stagnant chi from my mind, spirit and digestive system. By forcing those blocked up places to move and clear out, the pain in my back and along my spine eased too. And the swelling/water retention around my abdominal/lower back areas lessened too. Nausea faded. And other issues related to that improved.
As my body heals, the memories held there reveal themselves in fragments. The fragments travel to my subconscious self and appear in dreams. Dreams come in sleep and in meditation. Alters switch during the sleep state, but not waking anyone up unless absolutely necessary. I’m lucky they feel secure and safe enough here to wake up get things (like showering, getting a drink, etc.) done and then go back to sleep without disturbing anyone else.
It’s too bad that all the switching and dreaming makes for less than restful sleep. Instead, whoever is involved spends the time processing, categorizing, and storing the fragments in bubbles until the rest appear. The focus seems to be on what happened between ages 10 and 17; relationships, ownership, possession, secret friendships, survival, feelings vs. numbness, and loss.
So I spent most of my time not working in a state of rest. Either sleeping or eating or doing something relaxing/meditative while drinking as much fluids and massaging my abdomen and back as much as possible to stimulate movement. Last weekend’s panic attack taught me (and everyone else too) that massaging the abdominal area, sides, and lower back promotes movement, detoxifying, cleansing, and ease of pain.
I’m not sure what is in my future. I’m not sure if I will ever rebuild relationships with family and people from my past into something meaningful. I’m not sure (even if my new counselor is) whether or not my body will catch up to my mind in terms of recovery/healing health.
But I’m going to stay open to the possibilities.
I am going to stay positive.
I am going to do everything I can to promote wellness and integration for my mind/body/spirit.
How do you promote a slow detoxification of memories and illness from your self?
Thanks for reading