End of July and most of August are typically the time of year when out-of-town relatives stay at my aunts’ houses and visit for a long family reunion that ends with the maternal grandmother’s birthday. Some used to stay with my parents, but that changed sometime when I was in college. This is speculation because no one ever told me anything, but I guess my relatives couldn’t face the truth of who was acting out against (aka abusing and scaring) their young children. It’s easier for them to blame the scapegoat than to face a reality they refuse to acknowledge.
Why this anniversary is so scarring
But back to family reunions. As scapegoat, I was mostly ignored or bullied by everyone. And made to be the de facto babysitter as a young teen to keep me separated from the rest of my age-mate cousins and younger brother. I didn’t mind because that gave me something to do with my time. As I got older, though, so did the kids. And the next generation of young children came from my older cousins – people who didn’t trust or like or respect me – and other relatives by marriage who didn’t want my help. So I suddenly had nothing to keep the anxiety away.
And that generation of children were raised to treat me the same way as the adults. And they did it with relish. No one scolded them for being mean or indulging in bad habits around me, so they constantly made up ways to antagonize me. And then with the silent treatment and shunning from the adults, I basically had no place to hide at family reunions. No one to offer empathy, compassion, friendly conversation, etc. And no place to go and cope with my anxiety or triggers. I was on a stage with bright lights pointed at me all the time; they used every word, every gesture to humiliate and condemn me.
Dissociate, not leave the house, feel hyper-vigilant and scared all the time, stop sleeping, have nightmares, miss time from work, have panic attacks, severe body pain and memories, get sick, pass out, not eat, etc. for days or even weeks. Lose time, lose memories, switch and practice self harm.
Response in new environment
Some disturbed sleeping, lots of anxiety, some flashbacks, lots of shame and tears, problems with my digestion and visit the bathroom a lot, increased body memories and body pain but not so much that I stay home and am incapacitated. Some switching and reckless behavior – but that is more due to mistakes and learning a new environment that the shame capitalizes on than anything deliberate.
- still working 5 days a week
- going out with friends
- active on the blog and website
- going shopping/cooking/to restaurants
- decorating my apartment
- keeping in touch with safe family and friends (another post)
- Utilizing my coping strategies (especially the hotline) while I try to find a provider here
- making and keeping appointments for graduate school, scholarship research, etc.
The 2 months of anniversaries are tough. Remembering how I was treated brings back lots of negative feelings that are hard to accept and cope with.
But being here in my new place, I truly feel safe and able to move beyond the typical fear. Yes, it hurts. yes I cry a lot. Yes my body loses control sometimes. Yes I feel aggression rise to the point where I scare myself of what could happen.
But it all goes away much faster. I can let myself cry and experience all of these sensations instead of blocking them out. And because of that, the pain and fear and anxiety lessen each time. And each experience takes less out of me too.
So yeah, I’m still in rough shape. The shame overwhelms me and causes me to apologize and over explain and feel terrible about good decisions. It is constantly messing with my mind. But I can get help from the hotline and my friends; they listen and help me find self-compassion through validation and reality testing.
I need my quiet evenings and 1 day a week of staying inside. But I can spend that time being productive and happy (either doing something or doing nothing) instead of out of my mind with fear and disorientation.
Thanks for reading