Tired from the move and unpacking so skipping today. Thanks for understanding.
Tired from the move and unpacking so skipping today. Thanks for understanding.
This is NOT a series of part 1, etc. in order. Like other categories I will share posts as they come to me.
DISCLAIMER: What you read here is my personal experience – as an individual, as a system of alter personalities, and as separate alter personalities. There are my and my alters’ thoughts, impressions, and experiences about how anger affects our mind, spirit and body. This IS NOT from a perspective of a therapist, counselor, or other professional who has helped in the past. Any information I share here is based on what I learned from them, but the words, thoughts, feelings, etc. ARE MY PERSPECTIVE AND OPINION.
Besides shame, anger has been a major force in my life. It causes me to go into rages sometimes. Rages where I don’t remember anything that happened until my mind clears and I am grounded in my body again. Rags where people (including me) get hurt.
It’s one of the main reasons I fear physical contact and normal social interactions with others. Before therapy, and not even until the last 2-3 years, I thought I was a monster who abused other people when they made me angry – it was like my evil twin broke free once my mind overloaded.
But only 2 emotions trigger this kind of rage: fear and protectiveness (aka survival instinct)
As an adult whose been in therapy for more than 10 years, I can cope with and express anger in safe and healthy ways. So can the adult alters who participated in this journey with me.
But the others can’t, not yet. This is what happens in order
These are the consequences of my denial and repression over t he years:
My alters and I are learning how to let go of and ride the feelings of anger as they come. But even that learning curve is exhausting. One alter thought maybe our guests could relate, so we are sharing some of our experiences, trials, and errors here with the hope that the information helps someone else too.
Thanks for reading
Nightmares are terrible experiences to work through at any time. When you have alter personalities and switch in your sleep, the lack of awareness can cause problems. By lack of awareness I mean not realizing when I am: shouting, screaming, crying, talking, kicking, punching, thumping, and so on while I am paralyzed (locked inside my body). Usually my noise happens when I’m having a dream that involves anger and fighting. All that means the neighbors get annoyed. They start making noise. And no one in the system is sure who or when or how the issue was resolved.
And yes, I’m having nightmares. Or maybe reliving experiences as I sleep? Or maybe I’m asleep and my alters are awake having flashbacks? So confusing, yet so real.
As I told the admissions council during my second interview, some part of me is always awake. I never truly sleep. But I do get lots of rest. And lately, my wireless headphones have been a blessing. I can block out the construction, the neighbors, the cars, the wind when windows are open and get some rest.
Downside is that I can’t exactly hear when my neighbors bang on the door or the wall to get me to quiet down with the headphones on. And when the neighbors do bang and shout, I’m not sure it’s me or someone else they want to quiet down. Or if the new neighbors are moving furniture/drunk and walking into things, etc.
But I also have new neighbors. They happen to be younger and louder than the others. Also chattier and with chatty guests who visit at all hours. And some like to smoke in the building even though that’s against the rules. So any or all of this could be happening while I’m trying to sleep.
And whoever’s in charge at the time will take care of these issues. So far, no complaints from the property manager about noise or other issues. But the banging and music do startle awake and make some alters tense up. To be honest, I’m not sure if any of us actually get out of bed to talk with the neighbors at night or just stay in bed hoping it will stop. And I am kind of afraid of what could happen if one of us does try to chat with the loud neighbor.
As for basic coping strategies, here is this week’s list:
It’s the downside to apartment living, especially micro-apartment living. Small spaces crowded next to each other; soundproof that isn’t truly soundproof; and a basic lack of privacy from having neighbors so close. Too bad I can’t afford my own house on a quiet street with very few neighbors and lots of beautiful trees.
But now that my secret life isn’t so secret anymore and we aren’t expending so much energy living two lives, maybe this lack of energy and need for solitude will lessen. I’ve actually spent more time outside my apartment and interacting with people in the last two weeks than I did for the last 3 months. And as much as I liked it (all parts in the system really enjoyed it), spending time chatting with people and in crowds really drained my energy. So now we’re all back to figuring out how to refill the well.
Thanks for reading
An odd thing happened earlier this week.
I was late meeting the Uber and ended up in the wrong car. My lateness triggered a panic attack that increased when I realized I was in the wrong car. The driver couldn’t wait to get me out even though he was polite and courteous. The panic attack led me to being late for my acupuncture appointment.
Lucky for me, my practitioner and the people in reception knew me well and helped calm the attack. Our treatment focused on easing the anxiety through grounding and balancing my chi. We didn’t have time for the bodywork and massage, but I left feeling calmer and more clearheaded. This time, I got the right Uber and home on time.
One thing I always have to remember is that these treatments take a lot out of my body. In stimulating my chi and forcing stagnant blockages to move, the acupuncture and bodywork promote internal healing of my organs too. That means more sleep, more liquids, more food and more movement are needed to replenish what’s being used. Sometimes meditation can be substituted for sleep. Sometimes not.
But this week especially, I realized something was different. When I lay down at night, my body buzzed on the inside from toes to head. I wasn’t shaking or trembling. My external self (skin, arms, legs, torso, head, neck, toes, fingers) wasn’t moving. But I was trembling on the inside. I could feel my blood circulating, my chi moving along the veins and through muscle.
It scared me. And it made calming into a sleep state feel wrong. But I was so tired. Reading books didn’t help. My eyes and head were tired. Music was too stimulating. Audio books came to my rescue. I listened to them as I fell asleep. Thank technology for wireless headphones.
Audio books also drowned out the trauma memory voices telling me to hurt and punish myself. They distracted my alters and my body from reliving those experiences through backlash and shame until all of us were ready to cope with the new set of memories unleashed by the slow balancing of my chi.
I mentioned a lot of needles on my abdomen; needles also went into my legs, neck, and head to help clear stagnant chi from my mind, spirit and digestive system. By forcing those blocked up places to move and clear out, the pain in my back and along my spine eased too. And the swelling/water retention around my abdominal/lower back areas lessened too. Nausea faded. And other issues related to that improved.
As my body heals, the memories held there reveal themselves in fragments. The fragments travel to my subconscious self and appear in dreams. Dreams come in sleep and in meditation. Alters switch during the sleep state, but not waking anyone up unless absolutely necessary. I’m lucky they feel secure and safe enough here to wake up get things (like showering, getting a drink, etc.) done and then go back to sleep without disturbing anyone else.
It’s too bad that all the switching and dreaming makes for less than restful sleep. Instead, whoever is involved spends the time processing, categorizing, and storing the fragments in bubbles until the rest appear. The focus seems to be on what happened between ages 10 and 17; relationships, ownership, possession, secret friendships, survival, feelings vs. numbness, and loss.
So I spent most of my time not working in a state of rest. Either sleeping or eating or doing something relaxing/meditative while drinking as much fluids and massaging my abdomen and back as much as possible to stimulate movement. Last weekend’s panic attack taught me (and everyone else too) that massaging the abdominal area, sides, and lower back promotes movement, detoxifying, cleansing, and ease of pain.
I’m not sure what is in my future. I’m not sure if I will ever rebuild relationships with family and people from my past into something meaningful. I’m not sure (even if my new counselor is) whether or not my body will catch up to my mind in terms of recovery/healing health.
But I’m going to stay open to the possibilities.
I am going to stay positive.
I am going to do everything I can to promote wellness and integration for my mind/body/spirit.
How do you promote a slow detoxification of memories and illness from your self?
Thanks for reading
I am darkness, a male child alter. I am dawn-to-dusk, a male child alter. I am Bree, a female child alter. I am Sienna, a female adolescent alter. I am Silence, a hermaphrodite adolescent alter. I am Willow, a tree alter. I am Rowan, a tree alter. I am Bamboo, a grass alter. I am Angora, an adult alter and twin to the part who interacts most with the outside world. We are the 5, 5 male alters all brothers with different names and age ranges. I am Purple, a female child alter. I am Blue, a female child alter. I am Night, a male child alter. I am Mist, a male child alter.
These are not our official names. We don’t have names by choice, but these work for the purposes of this website/blog. For every male child alter, there is also a female child alter, like twins. Not all of us decided to share names today. Many of us can’t speak or write even though we can communicate with each other. So one of the adults is helping us with the writing.
Most of the time, we communicate with each other in dreams. Sometimes we talk, but mostly we share daydreams and nighttime dreams. Most of the voices we hear inside are trauma memories that are lost and need to go home where they belong. Their home is someplace else with others who love and accept and respect them. And the ONLY time we can all really connect with each other is when our body is asleep.
That’s when all of the barriers in the physical world go down, and we only have to worry about what happens inside the brain. The brain is where we created our internal world and spend most of our time. But now we’re learning that we have to include other parts of our body in the world too if we want to fully recover from the past.
Some of those voices can’t go home because they’re missing parts too. Those parts are stored in different memory banks, i.e. our body parts, and need to be reunited with the scary voices and trauma memories in the brain so everyone can go home. Before we moved to the new home state, none of us (not even the know-it-alls) understood why those voices were howling at us and making our body hurt so much. They were moving deeper into our body.
And none of us could follow. We were separated by a force field and couldn’t move past the base of the skull. Everything below that was completely dark and empty-looking. What would happen if we did make it through the darkness to the other side? How would we survive the new place? Why did that darkness hurt so much? Where did it come from? And why did the pain get worse the closer we got to the darkness?
It got so bad that none of us wanted to sleep or be alone. That was hard on the adults and older adolescents. They were busy making sure everything was in order for the move and working at the job. So we started sharing our information during the sleep times and when no one was working. And the dreams unfolded like stories and movies. We always made sure to try to end them before work, but the trauma memories would sneak in and take over. They didn’t want the dreams to stop. And especially didn’t want anyone going to work.
Work and outside of the home base was too scary. Our body was vulnerable, and they wanted to keep attacking the force field. Eventually, the adults figured out what was happening. And ALL of us worked together with the trauma memories to make the pain stop until everyone was safe again.
After the move, the memories started attacking the force field again. And we child alters got curious. Feeling adventurous, we started checking out the force field too. And the black darkness made our bodies hurt. Made everyone tired. We started experiencing feelings that had been locked away for a long time. Remembering people who died or disappeared. Dreaming of past experiences without the holes.
Each time we fall asleep, that force field weakens. The darkness lightens up, becoming a lighter and lighter gray color. We feel scared and excited about what’s behind the force field. Already memories are leaking through on both sides. Good memories, bad memories, neutral memories. Feelings are leaking through too.
Maybe that’s why reconnecting with family is easier and less scary right now. Either way, something inside is changing. And feeling that force field separating our mind and body slowly erode inspires hope.
Thanks for reading.