Admin: R&R weekend

Disclaimer: this is a place of learning, safety, and hope. Take what you want from the post and forget the rest. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t.

Hello Guests,

If you celebrate, Happy Easter and all that. I hope you managed to celebrate in your own way even if you can’t gather with loved ones this year.

As for me, April comes with some sad anniversaries and memories around Easter. Between that and having some challenging, yet positive discussions about the past with my parents, my body memories flared up this weekend.

All my sinuses and other parts of my face got swollen and are still somewhat painful right now. I spent the weekend sleeping, drinking herbal remedies (tea and soup) to help with the congestion and swelling, and practicing healing meditation when I wasn’t a sleep.

So I don’t have much to share with you this week. All I ask is that you please follow the rules and regulations in place to reduce chances of the infection spreading to other populations. Be mindful of yourself and practice self care as much as possible.

If you are like me, please take extra pains with self care and meeting your needs. Because you might not meet the typical criteria for being high risk, but you are high risk if your mental/emotional challenges manifest as physical illness that lowers your immune system. That is how I often end up sick or manifesting cold-like or sinus infection or flu symptoms when I don’t have any of those infections.

I promise I am taking care of myself, staying safe, and only going out to pick up deliveries – with washable gloves on because my disposable ones have disappeared. I swear I packed them, honest. But they refuse to be found right now. Maybe some day, they will reappear. Until then, laundry works.

Stay safe and take good care!

Thanks for reading!

Back to Basics: Gratitude – Meditation, Affirmations, Positive Self-Talk, Prayer, etc. – Practices

The Past

There was a time in my life when expressing gratitude was difficult.  Fear, shame, anger, disbelief in the positive made believing in anything good too much to handle.  I felt grateful for being alive, relatively safe, and able to recover.  I thought about the blessings almost as much as the curses and reflected on both in and out of therapy.  But I couldn’t say or think or share the words/expressions/behaviors with my conscious self and others in the outside world.  That made me feel too vulnerable.

Round 1 of Therapy

My first official therapist was a clinical psychologist who had previously treated a first cousin so was familiar with some family dynamics.  We focused more on rebuilding my internal foundations – repairing cracks, identifying & “disabling” automatic defense mechanisms, keeping me in the present while minimizing “psychotic” symptoms – and coping strategies for anxiety & anorexia.  Her favorite strategies involved Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and challenging the beliefs in my mind.  We touched on gratitude, but not much.  Some words here are in quotes because this therapist did not believe in trauma or DID.  All signs of trauma-related symptoms were deemed “psychosis” or “psychotic” in nature and required medication.

Round 2 of Therapy

My second therapist did not work with trauma – she told me that up front – but she helped me with anxiety and anorexia until the trauma symptoms took over; then I had to find someone else.  But this therapist started teaching me about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and gratitude affirmations or prayers.  She also talked to me about the different 12-step programs and how they are designed around spirituality and connecting to a higher power more than a specific religion.  We practiced creating and saying gratitude prayers (aka affirmations) together in session.  The ones I liked, I wrote down or memorized to use later.

Round 1 of Partial In-Patient programs

Here I learned more about DBT, Positive Affirmations (previously discussed with a doctor-sponsored life coach and touched on in past therapy sessions), and the power of spirituality in healing.  There was also some talk about meditation and deep breathing, but not much.  Mostly centered on mindfulness or visualizations and how to combine affirmations with deep breathing & meditation practices.  But this was a big turning point in my life.  For the first time, I wasn’t alone.  And I wasn’t different from anyone else.  These people cared a lot.  And they tried hard to help us in many ways (including by example) learn the lessons in our groups – especially about boundaries.  I soaked up the information like a sponge and came out with a newer, more positive perspective on everything.

Round 3 of Therapy

I was working with this therapist, a trauma specialist, when I started this website and blog.  She taught me about self-acceptance, the power of gratitude in all of its forms, and how to safely express gratitude so that I welcome the positive energy, influences, and opportunities available just by “saying thank you” and “asking for guidance” by example too.  While this therapist uses all of the strategies and techniques listed above, she also uses EMDR, Hypnosis, other trauma-specific types of strategies, and meditation.  But her meditation styles and practices are rooted in Buddhism, and she was able to share resources like Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Han, and the Dalai Lama for me to explore on my own time.  Through her, I discovered compassion meditation, gratitude meditation, ways to breathe so that I can make friends with my fear and be objective as I reflect on my past.  This is when my alters and I acknowledged each other; and we opened ourselves up to the world together for the first time.

Round 2 of Partial In-patient programs

Let’s just say that the break from work gave me the time and space I needed to make some important decisions about family relationships and my personal life.  The people running the program this time were new and completely different.  Their approach was more clinical and detached; they didn’t care the same way as the last group of people who ran the program.  I didn’t learn as much or find their lessons or mentoring as useful as last time.  But then, I was also a different person and my alter personalities were emerging and causing all kinds of interesting experiences in the outside world then too.  But I am grateful for the experience because being there, around so many different women with similar challenges and alternative approaches, gave me the strength and resolve to break from my toxic family situation.

Present Time

I practice gratitude multiple times a day – always in the morning and before bed – because the reminders and affirmations help me stay grounded in the present.  Sometimes I pray, sometimes I use an affirmation, sometimes a compassion meditation, sometimes positive self-talk as I breathe deep for a few minutes.  Either way, it connects me to the life energy found in nature and the universe; and then I feel less alone, less scared, and less stuck in one place.

***I might have mentioned this before, but I will mention it again because this is important***

I do not believe in organized religion – that comes from being raised in a cult – but I do believe in God in all of his/her/their/its many forms.  Each of my alters and have an inclusive attitude towards religion and spirituality.

It’s hard not to when some of the most positive and life sustaining influences were and are: Jewish, Christian (Protestant, Methodist, etc.), Catholic, or agnostic.

Also when some of the most negative influences were and are: Jewish, Christian (see above), Catholic, agnostic, Mormon, Pagan, Satanic, or Greek Orthodox.

So while I do believe in God, I do not assign a specific gender, religion, or form to this higher, universal power.  And I separate my gratitude practices from religion and focus on spiritual connections with nature.  All of us in the system believe that nature in all of its forms are God’s every day miracles.  By connecting with them and sharing thankfulness, compassion, acceptance, and respect we open ourselves to so an amazing support network.  And find answers to questions or directions at a crossroads.

Thanks for reading.

Coping Strategy: R&R Christmas

This is the first year Christmas has come on a post day.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.  Usually, I write a post in advance to avoid any commitments or interruptions.

But not this time.

Shame & Anxiety filled holidays

In the past, I struggled with shame about how I preferred to spend my Christmas holidays. So I would evade questions or give breezy answers until people stopped asking me.  It’s easier than getting the pitying looks and having to face the whispers and concern about being lonely or alone for the holidays.  Or feeling the need to explain why I enjoy solitary Christmas days full of quiet and relaxation.  Or having to answer questions about why I choose not to spend time with family or friends.

Rest & Relaxation filled holidays

But this year, I’ve embraced my Christmas experience.  It’s been shaped by past and present memories, by personal values and preferences, and by my choice to honor the spirit of Christmas and Thanksgiving.  It also appeals to the practical side of my nature.

I want to be present as much as possible.  I want to remember what scares me about the holidays and why so that I can reclaim Christmas for myself.  I want to learn how to cope with the trauma and triggers so that some future Christmases can be spent with family and friends too.

This year’s holiday plan:

  • Send holiday cards to friends and family
  • Make a shopping list of grounding/comfort food and items for holiday meals
  • Cook food on Christmas eve
  • Connect with friends and family to say Merry Christmas
  • Do some things that feel good on Christmas eve
  • Download some e-books and borrow others from the library
  • Try to sleep on Christmas Eve night
  • Sleep in/relax on Christmas day
  • Wake up when I feel like it; eat when I feel like it
  • Sleep some more (and let the memories flow in and out)
  • Read, relax, enjoy the quiet so opposite to past holidays

Future holiday plan (for when I stop moving and settle in):

  • Decorate for Christmas with a tree and some wreaths, maybe plants too
  • Go out and enjoy some holiday cheer at community events
  • Maybe spend Christmas Eve/Day with people
  • And almost everything on the other holiday plan

Conclusion

A plan doesn’t always work for everyone.  But having some activities or tools in mind for when the triggers hit helps a lot.  So does dreaming or having hope.

I am not ashamed of how I spend my Christmases anymore.  I relish the idea of rest & relaxation in a time when everyone else is burdened with “have to do” lists that cause more negative stress than pleasure.

If ever there came a time when I did choose to be busy, that would be because I CHOSE to include entertaining and socializing into the holiday.  Not for any other reason.

Whatever you celebrate, however you celebrate, I/We all wish you a happy, healthy, safe seasons’s greetings.

Thanks for reading