I’ll be honest with you. This week has kicked my ass in many ways. I almost didn’t know what to share today because everyone had an opinion, but no one wanted to buckle down and write it out.
There used to be a game show on TV called “Press Your Luck” that featured a “whammy” cartoon. Every time a contestant landed on a “whammy”, her or his score was reset to zero. The contestant had to start rebuilding prizes through trivia, etc.
I feel like I’ve landed on two whammy’s this week. One with regards to my family. One with regards to work.
As mentioned before, I’m talking with my dad via email again. We’re slowly rebuilding our relationship and working hard towards being part of each other’s lives again. That means, indirectly, going back to what broke me before from a different perspective. It means reaching out to other family and acknowledging them in some way.
My mother’s family received the email and wrote back to me after a few weeks. It was nice to get a response from them. Next on my list, and not something I do lightly, is writing to my mother and younger brother.
Here is where the second quote fits in.
This is my way of setting an intention and giving something to fill an empty space inside of me. By filling that space inside me, I have more to give to my loved ones and can help fill a similar space in them.
The next time I visit family, I want to enjoy time with them. Not have the experienced ruined through my mother’s (and maybe brother’s) negativity and drama tantrums. My grandma is 102; she’s slowly moving towards the next phase in her life. I miss my dad. In spite of everything, I love my mother and brother. Seeing everyone for a short time will bring a measure of peace and closure.
Plus, having everyone together again will make my grandma smile.
In my day job, I finally got some career-related questions answered and addressed. Now, if I change my mind and choose to stay, there can be a path that allows me change, growth, and challenges. Along with that, some leadership and organizational changes are taking place. Our team is changing. While some doors are closing, others are opening. So now there’s a chance for me to get my “new job” within the same company.
The dilemma; I’m ready to leave my safety net and fly. Does that mean I start a new job in a new company and pursue my other projects during off hours? Does that mean I take on a new role with new challenges and pursue my other projects on the side?
Decision: Keep my options open. If the new role at the current company goes through, seriously decide to stay or leave. If that new role gets shunted to the side by corporate again, continue with my existing plans to move on.
Why again these two quotes?
In a way, I’m going back to what broke me.
I’m reconnecting with family and places that caused so much pain. I guess it’s a reminder that the person coming back is not the person who left. She/I/We are going back to visit FAMILY as a whole rather than individual people. Different perspective; different choices. Same potential pitfalls if I’m not careful.
I’m also listening to my intuition, creating art, writing, healing/helping others, and learning how to use/utilize/explore/work with my unique gifts for positive outcomes instead of negative ones. That means journaling, meditation, exercise/movement, bodywork, and learning from mentors who work towards good instead of evil.
The flashbacks are stronger; lucid dreams become nightmares; so many voices sometimes. But the experience is different this time. My parts and I, we aren’t afraid. But the potential pitfalls exist. And we all have to be gentle with ourselves.
This quote reinforces my belief in miracles and manifestation of dreams. For many years, I’ve been working towards going back to my family and moving into a career that brings joy – one that feels like a vocation and something fun that transforms into a “hobby” or “activity” to keep me involved and active during “retirement”.
Honest truth is, I could not have done all of this work or achieved so much alone. Throughout every phase and step of this Recovery journey, guides and guardians (human, spiritual, and other) have taught me how to help myself achieve these goals. By guardians and guides, I mean: family, friends, loved ones, mentors, enemies, counselors, even the racist and prejudiced people who went out of their way to verbally hurt me taught something.
It started with changing self-perceptions and perspectives about “people” and “the outside world”. Next came working through the different challenges in the “real world” outside of my mind.
I started to “see” the world from a loving, kind, compassionate space. Instead of a scary, violent, dangerous place, the world was full of love, life, laughter, and friendship. During meditations, I started to see colors and shapes again. I started to feel safe from the inside out – ready and able to “go home” without fear – and began the process of reconnecting with those I feared most.
“Home” has two meanings here:
- “Home” means being part of my family of origin again.
- “Home” means living safely within my physical body and working with all parts of me to bring our body back to optimal health
Whatever your challenges and struggles, there truly is a a way for you to live the life you want.
I hope these quotes help you the way they’ve helped me.
Thanks for reading.