I had something else planned for today, but decided to share an unedited story instead.
Verbal communication is a big trigger for me. I tend to not talk as much as possible because a fear of what could/will come out of my mouth when the automatic defense mechanisms kick in. The range is extensive:
From mildly irritating and insulting to verbally/emotionally abusive, mean, evil, manipulative, shaming, and purposefully hurtful in such a way that will get me fired and/or blacklisted from work or other places.
Actually, that probably did happen in the past – work or friend circles or socializing – and one of many reasons why I deliberately isolated in the past.
And it’s one of the ways my PTSD still expresses itself: dissociation, depersonalization, hyper-vigilance, extreme reactions to stimuli or “normal” situations, anger management issues, irritability, anxiety, etc. all here
What does that mean exactly?
It means that I can talk and work well with others when my anxiety and triggers don’t interfere. But I hesitate to do this because the triggers and anxiety are so strong that my automatic defense mechanism kick in without any self awareness. In counseling, I shared that maybe (and this is optimistic) 50% of the time I can feel the trigger before my defenses kick in. And less often than that, I can stop the automatic defenses.
This whole verbal communication issue is going to be a life long coping challenge. The amount of self care and coping strategies just to manage work meetings is enormous. When I have work meetings combined with managing social situations (interacting with neighbors, friends, family, and store/restaurant employees), well something has to give.
My alters took over some of the socializing (for a few it was their first time in the outside world), but then got triggered and had panic attacks inside our mind. On one hand this is good because it means we all are recovering and healing. On the other hand, it leaves in new territory trying to figure out how to cope with alters wanting to participate in the outside world too.
That’s part of the reason why I’ve been quiet this week. And why the shared info posts have been less descriptive than usual. My brain is kind of mushy. Everyone is tired and grumpy. Lots of mistakes and lessons learned from internal and external experiences. There are deadlines at work, and chores to do – chores no one enjoys – that require facing other triggers. Bathrooms and basements are still scary. Laundry is scary. And at this point, none of us really want to be social. With anyone. But going out of the apartment to do laundry or take out trash, etc., means the potential to run into other people.
And while all of us had hoped that moving someplace else would bring out positive changes and less of the hate/negativity, etc., we accept that certain hostilities exist everywhere. And being different, looking different, living on our own terms makes us a target wherever we go. Bullies are everywhere. Racists are more open about their prejudices. If they can get away with intimidation and harassment, they will and do.
Unless I/we choose to live in a remote cabin off the grid and get everything delivered, there is no escaping people and problems like that.
Self Care and Coping Strategies
Instead, all 88 of us are choosing to work within our limitations and enjoy life as best as possible. That’s our updated version of self care.
What does the Self Care look like?
- Work at a job with flexible hours that doesn’t require working in an office or extensive commuting
- Choose distance learning with self-learning options instead of structured timelines for course completion and attendance requirements
- Focus on improving our internal family systems’ communication and participation in life
- Limit socialization and feeling comfortable staying inside instead of feeling shame about choosing solitude and feeling anxiety about running in to neighbors/people at the building
- Face certain triggers to put up decorations around the apartment and let go of unnecessary clutter
- Make choices and budget money/time to accomplish home decorating and organizing tasks
- Continue with meditation and crystal work as part of every day coping strategies
- Find a park or grassy/wooded/beach area to visit and meditate or exercise or relax and enjoy nature
- Resolve lingering issues with my mom’s side of the family – find a way to safely communicate and be part of each other’s lives if only in a peripheral sense
- Take small steps to improve self trust and remove more past conditioning
Life is always interesting and never lonely for us. Often scary, weird, and loud, but we are never alone.
Thanks for reading