Survival Mode: When everything just feels wrong

Yesterday was the first day all week that I left my apartment and the building.

Sometimes life is too overwhelming.  Thoughts stick in my head; refuse to leave.  Everything tastes funny.  My body feels off, but I”m not sure how or why.  My mind is foggy.  So tired, yet unable to sleep.  Everything feels wrong.

But then, it is March.  My mind tells me I”m supposed to feel sick and lethargic.  My body is trying to recapture those sensations through body memories.  Runny nose, allergies, blocked sinuses, colds, infections, and a swollen face are my spring norm.

Instead, the opposite is happening.  The herbs are working; all of the clogged up spaces around my eyes, nose, ears, and jaw are opening up.  Sure, it feels like a major head cold.  The sensations of stuff moving inside surprise and distract me sometimes, but they don’t hurt like in the past.

For the first time since childhood (maybe), the red, puffy, stuffy, tender places around my nose and cheeks are normal colored, smooth, and comfortable to touch.  As those areas drain and heal, so do other parts of my body – including the muscles that usually tighten and prevent me from being active.

Why does that feel so wrong?

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From Google search of “Feels Wrong” images

Probably because I shouldn’t be feeling this healthy, happy, and good, not according to the rules the monsters drummed into my head.  I’m supposed to feel miserable and sick.  To gross out my peers and teachers with my constantly runny, dripping nose and sneezing.  To have to stay inside because of my colds.

How did I get that way?  Still can’t remember.  But the dreams share fragments of stories.

Between this and what I learned among family, my mind has been blown.  Literally.

Survival Mode

Next week, I go back to therapy and counseling.  IT can’t get here soon enough.

Until then, I’m coping as best as possible with the conflicting feelings and sensations inside me.

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If you’ve read past posts, you’ve seen this quote before.  But it’s a good reminder for me right now.

Do as much as I can.  Remember to feel everything and let go of what doesn’t belong.  Keep on moving; there is an end even if I can’t see it.  Finally, backlash is OKAY; it mean’s I’m doing something right.  I survived backlash before.  I’ll survive it again.

Thanks for reading.

Alter Post: Scared myself into almost shutting down

The Stream of Consciousness aka processing Tuesday’s fear

I’m still thinking about it.  We are still wondering what happened.

Maybe the pressure has been building up for a while.  A lot has happened in less than two years.

Not since 2010/2011 have all parts of me unanimously wanted to run and hide.  To disappear or sleep and never come back or wake up.  That was the year before I wrote a manifesto and walked away from my family.  In 2012, it became permanent.  In 2015/2016, I started talking with some family again.  In 2016, I moved across the country and started a different life.

Now, it’s 2017, and I have a real home.  I have neighbors and friends.  A life full of interesting and frustrating and fun and sad and happy and scary moments.  A life in transition.

Something big is going to happen.  Something inside is pushing me to make changes.  Something else is pushing me to stop and hide, go backwards.  And yet, for all of these feelings inside, the rest of me is lacking direction.

The need to DO SOMETHING is so strong it feels reckless.  It also feels scary and triggering.  So many parts of me are crying right now.  The rest are reliving some of their worst nightmares on purpose.

All because we want our body to get better.  We want to get rid of the last remnants of toxicity (stuff carried forward from before) in our lives.  It keeps sneaking up in the most unexpected places.

Some examples:

  • Knitting needles and yarn bought pre-move make completing a project almost impossible.  But new needles and yarns bought in the last two weeks have rekindled the joy and relaxation feelings again.
  • My emergency savings account has money earned or gifted to me from lingering past experiences.  Every time I try to add more and save, something happens and all that’s left is what I started with when I came here.  What to do?  Use the money to pay off debts in advance and zero out the account.  Then start refunding it with money earned in the present.
  • Need a new phone because the existing one is over 4 years old and the battery is starting to die.  Yet the idea of getting a new phone (and paying full price for it) fills me with anxiety.  All parts of me.  It’s like saying goodbye to a phase in life.
  • My bedding doesn’t fit the new bed.  My blankets don’t either.  They are warm and comforting, but bring on memories too.

Other Fears & Blocks to progress

  • I’ve almost completely swapped out all of my clothes and shoes so that none of the lingering memories trigger flashbacks.  But I still fear putting clothes away, doing laundry in the basement, and transitioning from season to season.  What do I fear?  That my clothes will disappear or get ruined if they are not always in my sight.
  • I want to put up organizational hooks, but fear putting things on the walls.  What do I fear?  Shaming, punishment, humiliation, making mistakes.
  • I want to write to my parents and other family members – ones that are no-contact – and tell them goodbye forever.  But another part of me says don’t because what if forever isn’t forever?  I want to be able to accept gifts from relatives, yet have trouble because of the invisible strings attached (imagined or real – they exist in my mind and make me want to avoid using what they give me).
  • My inner voice is telling me big things will happen.  My body is humming all the time as it gets balance out and heals from the inside.  The blockages, the muscle cramps, the body memories are connecting with feelings and spirit.
  • The cold weather here triggers feelings of abandonment and fear.  Wind blowing against my skin doesn’t feel safe.  Waking up in the dark after hearing noises at night or my neighbors unexpectedly, feels like waking up in the compound again.  Most of me knows I am safe.  But a small part of me is waiting for all of this to be taken away.
  • Using my credit card reward points to fly out of state and see a different cousin for the first time in 7 years is also scary.  But it feels like the right thing to do.  And I’m only staying for a few hours.  But it will help with the letter-writing decision.  And with the closure too.
  • And exploring my interests in New Age ideas feels scary as well.  But my love of crystals and plants, my curiosity about life & living won’t allow me to ignore that part anymore.  So I spend money on new experiences there too.  And surprisingly, all of the information from these sessions is remarkably consistent.

So here I am at midnight writing a post.  I still have to work in the morning.  I still have counseling after work.  I still have chores to do and food to cook.  Lucky for me, I had people to talk to when the paralysis hit.

They helped me get perspective.  They helped me move out of the paralysis and not give in to the “run & hide” urge.  3 errands, an unexpected snuggle with a dog, two phone calls, a text conversation with my counselor, dinner out, and 2 Netflix movies later combined with some knitting and finance stuff have helped a little.

It almost feels like a circle is closing.  One chapter ends, and another begins?  Or maybe I’m feeling anxious about turning 35?  Thirty had me doing mental cartwheels.  Every year after that brought the same kind of joy.  Until this year.

Many of my girls (female alters) have been healing so well, I am happy for them.  My boys (male alters) struggle so much more right now.  They are more connected to Pip’s world and our physical body that these current changes affect them more.

And the dreams are changing again.  Still vivid and sometimes scary, but not nightmares.  The Chinese medicine practitioners want to give me herbs to help with all that.  But all of us are reluctant to give up the dreams right now.  Dreams are one way we communicate and process the past together.

But sleep is important too.  And what happened Tuesday is serious enough that the herbs might be necessary.  If I can’t sleep tonight, then probably go tomorrow and get the herbs.  Thursday at the latest.

Did I mention the urge still exists?  It’s not as strong, but wanting to hide & run?  The feelings still exist.  So now it’s time for all of us to dig deep and figure out why.  Because, it doesn’t make sense.  Now is different from then.  Still scary and full of change, but different.

Thanks for reading.

Coping Challenges: when nothing works, what about last resort strategies?

Unedited post tonight…

Sometimes nothing works or works well enough to offer relief.  Every strategy, every technique, different variations cause frustration and sometimes resentment.  That was me yesterday and Friday.

I woke up Friday morning feeling suffocated, in pain, and unable to focus.  Three hours of different coping made the feelings come back worse each time, so I had to call in sick.  I slept most of the day, but it was disturbed sleep that made me feel more hypervigilant.

Saturday, I felt better and had to go out.  Taxes, work, appointments and so on were pushed off from Friday to Saturday.  Accomplishing the chores helped a lot to reduce some anxiety, but I still hurt and felt extreme hypervigilance.  Meditation and deep breathing did not work because I couldn’t allow myself to relax.  And the alters would not let me even if I did try.

We all felt wound up and overloaded.  Sleep and staying home were the most helpful if we could sleep and relax at home.  The hotline counselor took me (alters chimed in once in a while) through everything. Twice.  Finally she suggested a sedatice or sleep aid.

I explained about medication and side effects.  We discussed the pros and cons.  I decided to risk taking a regular dose of Tylenol.  It put me to sleep for 10 hours straight.  Then again for 4 hours at a time; only waking up for nutrition and bathroom breaks.

On the plus side, I got a few hours of restorative sleep.  On the minus side, I feel kind of hung over and disoriented.  Also sore and anxious now that the meds have worn off.

Took have a dose of regular strength Tylenol just now.  Hopefully, it gets me through the night.  I am lucky to work from home most of the week, so can catch up on missed time spent taking care of myself and still get work done.  

This is not the first time I had to use a last resort coping technique. It probably won’t be the last one either.  All I can say is that some relief is better than none.  And I would rather be mostly functional and independent in a limited capacity than taken put by my symptoms and stuck someplace dependent on others for my care because the drugs they gave me make my brain stop functioning.

Other people may feel differently.  That is fine as long as whatever choices the survivor makes end up helping in the long term too.  Going back to sleep now.