The many voices of me
This year, my guests got to know the many voices of me in a way different from years past. They read well-written, articulate posts with few grammatical errors. They read off-the-cuff first drafts written by single or groups of alters. Some shared affirmations or quotes; reviews about resources; stories about themselves; and a variety of interests or revelations that changed how coping techniques and strategies were utilized. The voices of children, adolescents, and adults colored every post.
That made reading or following a lot of what’s been on here difficult for some guests, scary for others, triggering for many (us included), and frustrating for all of us. Several times this year, each one of us got writer’s block or simply didn’t know what to write here. It’s supposed to be about resources, but no one has had a lot of time to follow up on that since moving and working through a variety of difficult situations in our new home.
Plus, no one was sure if anyone wanted to read about how different alters coped with the same situation or different situations at the same time. We were scared to put our voices out there and change the tone of this website and blog.
But we’re happy we did. In sharing our voices here, more of us have been able to share in the outside world too. So thanks for giving us a safe space to share ourselves and express out feelings or opinions or thoughts and explore.
Over the years, different alters have instituted their own personal gratitude practices as coping strategies. This year, all 88 of us agreed to use a morning and evening gratitude practice every day to see how reminders of the positives in life helped us stay grounded. Sometimes we all meditated together. Other times we practiced alone or in groups.
We might hear everyone communicating or no one – sometimes our thoughts and wishes occurred on a sub-conscious level. Either way, each of us expressed gratitude for something before going to bed each evening and after waking up each morning. We also asked for guidance, protection, and to meet others who can teach us how to help ourselves continue to move forward.
This year’s big goal was about practicing and improving our interpersonal skills – especially the voice and face-to-face kind – for better communication and relationships. The focus was for work mostly because a lack of verbal skills means trouble for my reviews.
In terms of personal relationships, I wanted to be able to engage in conversations and understand the cues without feeling upset, shamed, frustrated, or confused every time one ended. I also wanted to be able to remember conversations even if there was switching or dissociation ASAP instead of hours/days/weeks/months/years later.
It’s hard to participate in a conversation when you are not always present or able to follow what the other person(s) is saying whether in a personal or professional setting.
But if I can accept my limitations and turn them into strengths, then maybe, just maybe I will also be able to face my family again without fear choking me.
Family vs Loved Ones
Family are the people whose blood I share. Loved ones are the people in the family we created together with bonds of friendship, acceptance, respect, love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and trust. I love my family, but do not trust/am not friends with all of them. Some of my family are included in the group of Loved Ones; we share blood as well as the other bonds.
This year felt so scary because I reconnected with 5 more members of my family. Each one offered acceptance, love, and respect – all things I hoped for, but did not expect. As some loved ones reminded me – keep expectations low and hopes high. Meeting with them either over email/text or in person felt like parts of my heart mended together again. The hole is shrinking or maybe being emptied of toxic emotional wounds and healing with a balm of love and acceptance.
Either way, having family again feels really good. The situation is still complex. The ties between them and my parents or the others from my past still exist. And finding a solution for reconnecting and staying safe is in the beginner stages. We have hope though. Hope and a lot of people willing to work on it.
My alters and I learned we had feelings at 27 years of age. That was 8 years ago. Since then, it’s been a BIG learning curve to acknowledge, understand, express, and accept our feelings. That was what the partial programs and non-trauma specialist counselors taught us the first time around. What they shared and taught us helped a lot in many ways.
But it didn’t help any of us understand how to express or cope with those feelings when one or many or all of us felt overwhelmed. Nor did it help us understand what to do with those feelings once they were expressed or coped with. Observing many other people and how they coped with or expressed their feelings taught us that many people struggle with this too.
A lot of the self help books and books about anxiety or PTSD or healing, etc. skim over this too. Not on purpose. But the immediate issue is often learning how to calm down, relax, ground oneself, etc. What do do after that is not as important in the moment. And maybe other people don’t struggle the way we in our system have with what to do with the energy and feelings that still exist after coping, grounding, expressing etc.
This year taught all of us how to let go of those feelings once they’ve been acknowledged/expressed/accepted (any of these or other words work too) and we’re grounded or calm again. Letting go is like learning not to hold grudges. But the lesson applies to all feelings, especially the neutral and positive ones. Feelings are supposed to come and go. They are meant to be expressed and let out not held in.
Holding in feelings is like holding in toxic secrets. They eat you and hurt you from the inside out. Personal experience – my anorexia was all about self-hate and self- harm. I couldn’t kill myself – some alter part of me refused to let it happen – so I held in all of those feelings and destroyed my body from the inside out.
Now, letting go of those feelings allows space for the body memories to surface and be expressed. Then those memories are acknowledged, the feelings expressed, experiences accepted and let go. Each time this happens, our pain lessens. Our confidence and feelings of safety/security increase. Our foundation strengthens. And living in the past & present during trigger periods is less scary.
Thanks for reading