Recovery: Temporary Counselor; new beginnings

Confession:

I hate August (the month) and what it makes me feel/remember/think/relive

Epiphanies:

  • Someone once told me (or maybe I read it in different self-help books??) that sometimes people who criticize or complain about my character flaws are actually complaining about ones they have but can’t or won’t admit to having.
  • Especially people who feel less confident or are insecure and want to make the other individual feel worse to feel better about themselves – I learned this is true during my vacation home.
  • What turned me around most about people’s negative comments is that they have a grain of truth in them.  Before I started recovery and therapy to express myself instead of parroting my parents’ and caregivers’ beliefs, I acted that way toward other people.
  • It’s okay to love family from a distance.  Send cards, email, text messages, or voice mail messages on holidays and birthdays.  Maybe a phone call once in a while.  And (rarely) an in-person visit when in the same geographical area.  That keeps the family happy and allows me to maintain my sanity.
  • The people who cause me the most pain and discomfort can be my best teachers as long as I have someone I trust to help me reflect and process the experiences.

Transition:

  • A new home, a real home
  • Cooking and baking
  • A new therapist until my other one comes back from maternity leave
  • A new intern Chinese medicine practitioner
  • A new exercise regimen (trauma sensitive yoga)
  • A different hygiene routine

Conclusion

Sit back and enjoy the ride.  Try not to take anything too seriously.  Use the Back to Basics strategies.  Try not to let backlash take over.  Remember I am safe and happy in my new space.  Accept that my family and I will never be able to spend time together comfortably.  We are too different.

Thanks for reading

Shame: Another Backlash Epiphany

Introduction

There have been a lot of good experiences and positive changes in my life lately.  There have also been some unsettling realizations and uncomfortable changes about how I see myself and interact with the world.

The Pain of June (past)

One of the most difficult parts of June is pain management.  When I am awake, my body hurts.  As I try to sleep, my body still hurts.  I want to stay home and rest because the pain keeps me awake.  None of my “regular” coping strategies work.  In the past, the more I tried to use any coping strategies, the more pain I felt.  The more I tried to relax, the more tension my body experienced.

I felt at war with myself, and giving in to my OCD self- harm compulsions was the only way to get relief.  Because self-harm made the obsessive thoughts, voices, and words go away.  But the self-harm provided temporary relief and was addictive.  The window of relief shrunk as my body got used to the distraction.  And like any other addict, I had to increase the pain and self-harm to get any relief.

The Pain of June (present)

This year, the pain arrived on schedule.  The OCD compulsions to self-harm DID NOT follow.  The body memories, flashbacks, and hallucinations did follow the pain.  I’ve been living with the hallucinations for a week now.  The pain has ebbed and flowed…some days worse than others.  But the weekly Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) treatments have helped a lot.

I use TCM because each visit includes acupuncture and body work in the form of cupping, massage, or gau sha.  My intern practitioner also teaches me self-massage techniques I can use between appointments.  Together, the acupuncture, massage, and body work helps manage my pain to acceptable levels in spite of triggers.  This allows me to sleep less, feel more energetic, and do more with my time.  (all positive changes)

The Shame of Backlash

The downside is intense backlash and triggering that feels different and is difficult to cope with.  Shame is one of the few emotions we all still struggle with.  It’s something that requires help and perspective from an objective third party who can listen with empathy and help clear out the confusing bits.

Once the shame trigger is identified, healing with coping strategies can begin.  Why the hotline?  Because my counseling sessions take place every week or 1.5 weeks and this type of trigger often occurs between sessions.  If the hotline can’t help, I do reach out to my therapist.  But only when all other resources have been utilized first.

The hotline helped me and my triggered parts calm down enough until our weekend session.  Calm down as in be able to sleep and quiet the anxiety the evening before therapy; not as in make the backlash go away.  My therapist witnessed how the backlash affected me in real time.  She asked some questions and helped me understand why this version of backlash felt different:

Therapist: how do you feel?
Me: I feel fine; just tired.  My emotions are calm even though I am experiencing backlash.
Therapist: how does your body feel?
Me: tense.  All of my muscles hurt, but especially around here (pointing).
Therapist: you’re braced for an attack.  Am I correct in thinking this?
I paused
Me: yes, you’re right.  I do feel braced for an attack – a slap of some kind or my head being pulled back by my hair.

The backlash is my younger par way of saying:
don’t do this!  It’s dangerous.  Our body is going to get hurt.  Then ALL of us will feel t he pain.  And we’ll be humiliated in front of everyone.  And then be punished even worse.

Conclusion

This time, backlash has to do with memories of physical abuse for showing confidence or accomplishments instead of hiding and letting someone else take the credit.  It happens most often when I interact with the world by sharing my experience, skills, knowledge, accomplishments, and abilities with confidence.

The more often I step out and do this, the more often I experience backlash.  When combined with anniversaries or other flashbacks, the pain increases.  Emotional distress remains the same or decreases.  With this new information, my therapist and I are working on coping strategies and techniques for pain-related flashbacks.

As I learn more, I will share the information in future posts.

 

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Recovery: found a new counselor & more

After 2 sessions with this person, I feel like she and I will work well together for the long term.  There is another person who I might try to see for specialized help, but not continued care.

This helps relieve some of my stress a lot.  I have someone to depend on and contact here on a regular basis.  That means weekly or bi-weekly check-ins, progress, and assistance in gettinf my tool box reorganized.

In other news, my acupuncture visits have been extremely helpful, espscially with the body memories.  They still appear and cause lots of emotional or physical discomfort, but not in the same way as before.  My energy is better, and I can sleep with more ease too.

Yesterday, when I described the source of the pain along my spine, the acupuncturist actually felt the tension and tightness in the muscles and skin along my spine.  The tightness and tension caused pain to radiate along my back and around to my shoulders, chest, abdomen, etc.

She tried a massage technique after the needling that helped a lot.  So much in fact that I slept extra today and was able to release some of the body memories.  With that release came other memories from childhood – some good and others not – that helped me and my child alters make sense of some confusing fragments.

Tai chi starts up next weekend.  And I hope for that to help with the muscle and joint problems cause by everything not being in proper alignment.  The exercise will also fill a need for activity in my life.

For the first time in weeks, I am feeling hopeful and in less pain. 

Thanks for reading