It was not a good weekend for me. My lower half seized up that Friday morning, and I couldn’t get my hips/legs to work for a few hours after waking. I missed my morning acupuncture appointment, and then stumbled on shaky legs to my home office for the work day.
As my body started moving, the pain levels and flashbacks increased. Saturday and Sunday were “stay at home and relax the muscles” days. Between resting and massaging the back/hip/leg muscles, I didn’t do much besides eat and try to move around the apartment. Note that I didn’t mention “sleep”. Sleep happens, but is not restful.
In general, winter is not an easy season. My sleep patterns get disrupted, and my body memories activate more often than at any other time. Recovery time between episodes is too small to be effective. Plus, it’s the busy time of year for my day job. Over time, deadlines, presentations, meetings, and covering for people on vacation – it all happens this time of year.
Beyond that, life gets in the way too. Classes, hobbies, “me time” and plants require time and attention to thrive. How to juggle all that??
Such is the life of a person who wants to do more than her body can handle at the moment…
After about 3 weeks of rain, clouds, snow, and cold, this weekend was warmer and sunny! I mean blue skies, white clouds, and bright enough to hurt your eyes sunny. In the end of February. Hiding 30 degree (F) cold and wind. But still warm enough for a walk…
Instead of using the public transit, I decided to walk to the store yesterday morning. It was about 6 blocks or 20 minutes – not a problem for me usually – wearing layers and a warm coat. About half way to the store, my body decided it didn’t want to walk anymore. The sweats started. Followed by hip cramps. And panicky breathing. Oh, and don’t forget the strange stares from passersby as I hold conversations with imaginary friends (aka my alters) out loud while walking.
Being warm inside the store relieved some of the muscle pain and sweating. Odd right? But the sweating didn’t come from feeling warm; it came from anxiety about walking through an unknown neighborhood to a new place for the first time. Once that was over, the panic symptoms moved on too.
Warmth stops cramps. Cold makes the cramps worse.You’d think I would have learned my lesson from this, right?
No. My thrifty sense and stubborn need to be outside in the sun had me walking another few blocks to the next place on my errands list.
Did my pain yoyo with all the in-and-out? Yup.
Did the pain get worse? Not really. It concentrated in one location and had me limping after a few minutes outside.
Is this normal? Yes, unfortunately. I haven’t discussed a lot about my physical pain here, but it’s on my list for some day.
Like the post about my mother, some topics are not easy to share or write about as soon as they get mentioned here.
And so this brings me to the last topic for the post: Taxes
In the US, all taxes for the previous year are due on April 15 of the current year. Because of medical and work expenses, my taxes were complicated to work through so I tried to get them done as early as possible. And yes, I paid extra for professional help until the tax pros (as they call themselves) taught me enough to fill out the forms on my own.
But wait, wouldn’t the taxes be finished by now if you got them done ASAP?
Normally, yes. It prevents me from feeling extra stress.
This year, not so much. There was an issue with some of my tax forms because of circumstances beyond my control. Next, the new Tax Reform laws scared me enough to wait until after talking with a professional to decide next steps. That didn’t happen until last week. And the conversation left me still scratching my head.
But, the deadline draws closer. The next 7 work days will be extra busy during my day job. And I don’t want to do my taxes after the medical procedure. A) that’s way too close to the deadline for my comfort; and B) I want to do my taxes when clear=headed and as present as possible.
So this week, you get 2 posts. And maybe another one next week if I can swing it.
* Two posts this week because there’s a lot to share.* And both are long
A minor procedure
If you are new to the blog, you might not have read the posts discussing choices, pregnancy,abortion, or relationships. There are quire a few as sexual abuse is one of the main reasons for me being the way I am, so don’t feel bad if you skipped them. I don’t wish that information on anyone and only share those experiences here as a way of sharing knowledge, resources, support, and hope with others.
Last week, I had my pre-op exam with the gynecologist who will perform a bi-lateral tubal ligation on me in 1.5 weeks. What is that? basically I’m getting my fallopian tubes permanently removed as part of a sterilization procedure.
In layman’s terms, I’m getting my tubes tied.
And I’m so excited that my emotions and body sensations have been yo-yoing all week. It’s finally happening. Yes, I am concerned about the anesthesia and some post-op requirements like the antibiotics and pain meds. But otherwise, everything is all set and ready.
Some OT this week and part of next week allows me to meet deadlines. Taxes today and next weekend will take a big load off of my mind. Some extended time off: 3 paid vacation days + compensation time from when I did OT + 2 weekend days = plenty of recover time.
My family has already sent some care packages too.
Other than some housekeeping chores – and I hope to get those done next weekend too – when my body feels less shaky, I am as prepared as possible.
Fear of Success
It’s been mentioned before. I fear success almost as much as I fear abandonment, rejection, and loss.
That said, I’ve been reluctant to write about (or even speak about ) my recent coping strategy and trauma recovery successes outside the safety of therapy or hotline calls. Sure, I might mention it to family or friends in passing, but they might not realize the significance beyond the task. Not like you, my guests, might understand.
All my life, I’ve wanted to serve – not in the sense of being a slave or trod upon or giving away stuff for free, but to help others learn and achieve their goals through empowerment, knowledge, and access to resources – and work in a career that allowed me to help others while also learning a variety of skills to feed my curiosity about..well…life.
To start in reverse order, here goes:
Last week I presented updates about a task I took on for the team and asked for feedback from the managers group. The vp of our team and my boss were there too. Everyone asked questions, and there was a lively discussion.
The big success: it was the first time in all of my 36 years I spoke in front of a group without switching personalities, having a panic attack, dissociating, not talking when I thought I was (or the opposite), or getting triggered into reacting from a past experience instead of the present one
This year, my manager approved 3 goals that included me writing internal user guides for our team documentation
technical writing has always been a goal/dream of mine in terms of an alternative career path based on my college degree. After 15 years and many people telling me I couldn’t do be a writer, it’s finally happening
At the end of 2018, my supervisor supported me in working with HR to update my job role/description to match what I actually do so that I have a future career path at the company
This goal is all about self-acceptance and feeling confident enough to advocate for change after being told for so many years that you are not enough and don’t deserve to be heard.
Finally, my aromatherapy lessons are progressing to the point where I’ll be doing case studies and a research paper soon. That brings me one step closer to my career change goal. One that is re-defining itself even as I write this.
Insecurity that I am not enough (skilled, experienced, intelligent, capable) to create a successful healing practice that supports others on their journeys using aromatherapy as part of a trauma-informed, integrated healing support strategy
quite a mouthful, but all true. I am not and never will be a doctor or medical professional.
I cannot and will not ever be able to heal people on my own or tell them what to do or cure them.
I can and will offer them choices and empower them to take control of their health in order to heal themselves by offering support, resources, and knowledge to work with what they are currently doing.
It seems like every time I think I know what I want to do when I grow up, life steps in and makes me rethink my conclusions.
I’ve come to the conclusion that people will have issues with contacting me no matter how obvious I make the links.
Same with the RSS Feeds, subscriptions, etc.
There are 4 RSS Feed or subscription buttons/links on the Sidebar to the right of every page on this site
One button/link is for WordPress members to use
The rest area for non-WordPress members to use
Many web browsers do not support RSS Feeds anymore, so you may need to download/install an RSS Feed collector like Apple News to subscribe and get my blog or comments on your feed
Apologies, but I am mostly ignorant about this topic. Only learned about Apple News when doing some research on my sites’s home page to address a guest comment earlier
Some web browsers, like Opera and IE are not as compatible with WordPress integration systems (from WordPress support) based on code and software topics beyond my pay grade.
WordPress is happy to work with you to address these issues if you email them questions through their customer support portal
I feel your pain, honest I do.
As someone who is not on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, etc. I miss getting updates from my favorite authors and news about new book releases, videos, etc. now that they moved all that info to their social media sites.
And so, I’m conquering another fear (of exposure/vulnerability./visibility) by moving the contact form to a public place on t he top menu bar.
If you really want to contact me, you can fill out that form. I do respond to those feedback emails as long as they are not obviously spam. The blog rules don’t apply to the comment form.
*All I do ask is that you be respectful and polite if you do send me an email through the contact form*
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for your time.
Due to the extra post this week, this one is short.
Between the nightmares and the stuff with my parents, body memories acted up and caused lots of pain last week. The pain was bad enough that I cried a lot, had some trouble eating/sleeping, and eventually had a panic attack.
Thanks to meditation and acupuncture, the pain has lessened a lot. But I’m still tired, feeling low energy, and slightly dehydrated from all the sleeping & meditating.
On the good side, a lot of the body memories are starting to leave my body. As it moves, the puffiness and swelling go down too. My muscles start to relax more, and everything feels less painful.
So many changes and discoveries. Reconnecting with family. Enjoying time with family.
Creating new paths. Learning different ways to live and thrive beyond survival. Opening up to the wonders of the universe.
Finding a spiritual path & a way to make dreams come true.
Last Week with Family
Other than typical air travel issues, the visit went well. My family and I spent quality time together enjoying each other’s company, giving gifts, and eating great food. My dad and I got to spend some alone time together and with the rest of the family. My brother and sister-in-law are happy; we hugged and talked and laughed on Christmas.
As for time with mom, we carefully started rebuilding the bridge again. It got tense at times, but someone was always around to help smooth things over. In the end, we shared contact information; this way she can reach me if she feels like it.
My mom’s side and I didn’t get to meet after all. Between the flight delay and busy schedules, 4 days became 3 days full of other activities. In the end, we promised to see each other next time I travel back east.
My dad’s side of the family hosted Christmas this year. Seeing my younger cousins for the first time in a while was filled with anxiety on both sides. We weren’t sure how to interact at first, but things got easier with time. We ended up laughing and talking by the end of the visit – that felt great.
My aunts and uncle and I spent some quality time together too. We talked and caught up with life before giving gifts. Things got a little tense with one aunt, but that was expected. Her way of coping with fear is to push people away. Some time apart (and maybe conversations with others) helped both of us work it out for a pleasant rest of the visit.
Finally, I got to spend some quality time with my grandmother. She wasn’t doing well on Monday – my first day visiting – and spent a lot of time sleeping. On Christmas Day (Tuesday), she was awake and more present – enough to enjoy opening gifts, talk, and eat dinner with us.
We had a chance to talk in private. I told her how much I love her and that she doesn’t have to worry so much about me anymore. I’m healthy and happy and safe, so she can focus on taking care of herself and doing what she needs to do to feel healthy and pain-free.
Milestones, Changes & Goals
For the first time, maybe ever, I completed all of my goals for 2018. That felt good and acts as a symbol of the many positive changes that happened this year.
Of the many changes that occurred this year, the biggest ones have to do with the transition from survival mode to living to thriving. Here are 3 on my list:
Open up to others in the outside world – making friends & connections; going to workshops; participating in events & activities at work – because I feel safe on every level of being (spiritual, emotional/mental, physical)
Change my self-image in order to be assertive at work and act on my dreams – job changes, go back to school, continue writing this blog, work on my spiritual practice
Find closure with my past by embracing my shadows and connecting face-to-face with family again
As for milestones, my biggest one is letting go of the fear that held me back for so long by finding my faith again and choosing to live a life rooted in unconditional love and acceptance. For every individual, finding that faith in a higher power; believing she or he is deserving of unconditional love and acceptance; then opening up to receive those gifts is a unique and difficult journey.
The New Website & Aromatherapy
My other web site and blog is in progress, but on hold for right now. Other priorities got in the way of completing the pages and starting the new blog, so it’s empty and will be for another few months.
As for aromatherapy, I’m still taking the online classes in between work and life. It’s slow going, but lesson 1 of 7 is finally finished. The aromatherapy blends work well and smell great. I used them to help with some cold and sinus problems that affect me every fall/winter season. Lesson 2 is in progress.
Questions for Guests
What will/do you reflect on for 2018?
How do you feel about the milestones, changes, successes, or lessons learned?
What will you leave behind or take with you into 2019?
2018 was an incredibly positive year. Many unexpected successes and positive changes tempered by some losses, more than a few lessons learned, and much confusion. I’ve discovered a spiritual practice that suits my solitary nature and allows me to believe in God and other wise beings or deities without having to choose a specific religion. The openness of this spiritual practice helps me develop my other gifts instead of fearing them and teaches me how to listen to my intuition too.
Feelings still confuse me. Being in crowds still has a negative effect on my memory. I am not (nor will I ever be) 100% comfortable or relaxed outside of my home, but I can utilize coping strategies to get at least 80% comfortable or relaxed now. Most important, I feel safe interacting with other people even when triggered or feeling severely anxious.
Personally, I’m looking forward to many surprises and possibilities in 2019 🙂
I wish all of you a happy, healthy, prosperous 2019!