Resources: Headphones for sleeping and noise cancelling

A quick post today.  You can find these links on the Resources page too.

I’ve been looking into different types of headphones for sleeping since I like to fall asleep listening to nature sounds, music, meditation recordings, or audio books.  The headphones help block out street and neighbor noises that wake me up at night.

Traditional headphones are not comfortable for sleeping.  The traditional styles are too bulky for side sleepers.  The wireless options need to be re-charged often.  And the wired options could be a choking hazard.

I thought maybe wireless exercise headphones might work, but the style I chose had many of the same issues listed above.  And the blue tooth is not reliable in my sleeping space.

Instead of continuing a search for wireless headphones, noise cancelling headphones or exercise headphones, I searched for headphones for sleeping and meditation.  That brought up two interesting articles.

This article reviews several styles of headphones, ear plugs, and combination headphone/face masks.

This article reviews headphones only.

I chose the CozyPhones Sleep Headphones; it’s #2 on both lists.  I’ve been using it for 2 nights so far and like it a lot.  With the sound on medium and my windows open at night, the headphones do reduce the noise.  And if the headband slides, I lose sound.  Otherwise, the headband is comfortable, and the sound quality is decent.  And the headband comes in many colors.

If you decide to try sleep headphones, please let me know how they work for you.

Thanks for reading

DID Posts: Missing my book collection

With memories coming back and alters being more active, I miss my physical book collection.  Many of the books I kept are about DID and dissociation.  They helped fill in the information gaps between visits to my therapist.  The books also helped me be able to explain some issues to people at work so that I could get accommodation and assistance with communication problems.

But I had to leave them with family last summer.  My apartment was too small, and I didn’t plan in advance – needed more boxes to ship the books – well enough.  No one in  the system thought it would be too big an issue.  We felt safe and stable enough to not have those resources at hand.  And there are many more bookstores where I live now than where I lived before.

Should have been easy to borrow from the library or find a book to read at a bookstore, correct?  Well, not so much when the topic is Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I found some books from the library.

But now I’m having trouble reading them.

Not sure what’s holding me back.

But maybe (I hope) this weekend I will get to one of them.

Thanks for reading.

 

Quotes & Affirmations: Changing the Conversations in my head

I started book binging earlier than normal this holiday weekend.  The books helped distract me from the pain – I hate taking pain pills – and work through some tough flashbacks from the last few days.  Plus I like this author and have some of her books in my electronic library.

All of us were looking for a good read about strong people working their way out of tough or unusual situations – learning to trust and feel safe again; finding family and real friends; and of course some kind of positive resolution to the plot conflict – and her books sometimes do this.

So this quote is from Thea Harrison’s book Night’s Honor.  It’s part of a series, but can be read as a stand-alone book.

I don’t have a fancy graphic for you, but will do my best to make it look interesting:

he said, “To get to where Marc or Jeremy is, you have to change the conversations in your head.

She frowned uneasily.  “What do you mean?”

“When you face confrontation, you have to decide if whether you live or die is part of the agenda. Either you fight to survive, and that’s your goal, or you fight to put your opponent down, no matter what the cost.  Those are two different conversations, and the decision for them has to come from here.”  He tapped her on her breast bone with the back of his knuckles.  “That basic choice affects your capacity to act in the world.  You can train as much as you like, but you won’t ever become what they are until you decide to.”

One of the lead secondary characters, Raoul, is talking to the female lead, Tess, about her choice to train in martial arts, physical fitness, and other aspects of being a Vampyre’s (author’s spelling) attendant in his master’s house.

She joined the house, not because she likes vampyres or that world, but because she needs the safety and protection that comes with being a member of that type of household.

In fact, Tess is afraid of vampyres and struggles with acclimating to the new demands of her job – giving blood, accepting a vampyre;s bite, self-defense training, etiquette training, etc. – and is feeling frustrated during this conversation.

Why share it?

This quote, and the whole book, reminded me that people can change the conversations in their heads.  I’m struggling with a lot of negative self-talk and flashbacks of past conversations with family and abusers.  It leaves me waking up from a nap with my mouth wide open like I’ve been screaming.  Only sometimes, it feels more like I’m struggling to get something out of my mouth.  Or someone is holding my mouth open as I struggle to close it.

And we all needed a good reminder.   Luckily, this reminder also came with examples of how Tess changed the conversations in her head.  And in doing so, she found her courage, strength, and heart.  Tess took steps to change her life and start living again.  She reminded me to do the same.

Maybe this quote will help you too.

Thanks for reading.

Back to Basics: Working through nightmares

Nightmares are terrible experiences to work through at any time.  When you have alter personalities and switch in your sleep, the lack of awareness can cause problems.  By lack of awareness I mean not realizing when I am: shouting, screaming, crying, talking, kicking, punching, thumping, and so on while I am paralyzed (locked inside my body).  Usually my noise happens when I’m having a dream that involves anger and fighting.  All that means the neighbors get annoyed.  They start making noise.  And no one in the system is sure who or when or how the issue was resolved.

And yes, I’m having nightmares.  Or maybe reliving experiences as I sleep?  Or maybe I’m asleep and my alters are awake having flashbacks?  So confusing, yet so real.

As I told the admissions council during my second interview, some part of me is always awake.  I never truly sleep.  But I do get lots of rest.  And lately, my wireless headphones have been a blessing.  I can block out the construction, the neighbors, the cars, the wind when windows are open and get some rest.

Downside is that I can’t exactly hear when my neighbors bang on the door or the wall to get me to quiet down with the headphones on.  And when the neighbors do bang and shout, I’m not sure it’s me or someone else they want to quiet down.  Or if the new neighbors are moving furniture/drunk and walking into things, etc.

But I also have new neighbors.  They happen to be younger and louder than the others.  Also chattier and with chatty guests who visit at all hours.  And some like to smoke in the building even though that’s against the rules.  So any or all of this could be happening while I’m trying to sleep.

And whoever’s in charge at the time will take care of these issues.  So far, no complaints from the property manager about noise or other issues.  But the banging and music do startle awake and make some alters tense up.  To be honest, I’m not sure if any of us actually get out of bed to talk with the neighbors at night or just stay in bed hoping it will stop.  And I am kind of afraid of what could happen if one of us does try to chat with the loud neighbor.

As for basic coping strategies, here is this week’s list:

  • Airing out the apartment – warm enough to keep windows open a few days last week
  • Feeling comfortable (not to cold or hot) in bed
  • Gratitude affirmations
  • Deep breathing and meditation
  • Self massage and use of acupressure points
  • Letting the memories flow – aka alters share memories, experiences, thoughts, and feelings with everyone else
  • Listening to music
  • Listening to favorite nature sounds
  • Re-reading old favorites and some new books
  • Staying inside
  • Sleeping when I can; resting when I can’t; eating when I feel hungry
  • Letting myself be

It’s the downside to apartment living, especially micro-apartment living.  Small spaces crowded next to each other; soundproof that isn’t truly soundproof; and a basic lack of privacy from having neighbors so close.  Too bad I can’t afford my own house on a quiet street with very few neighbors and lots of beautiful trees.

But now that my secret life isn’t so secret anymore and we aren’t expending so much energy living two lives, maybe this lack of energy and need for solitude will lessen.  I’ve actually spent more time outside my apartment and interacting with people in the last two weeks than I did for the last 3 months.  And as much as I liked it (all parts in the system really enjoyed it), spending time chatting with people and in crowds really drained my energy.  So now we’re all back to figuring out how to refill the well.

Thanks for reading

 

Back to Basics: Sleep heals many wounds

An odd thing happened earlier this week.

I was late meeting the Uber and ended up in the wrong car.  My lateness triggered a panic attack that increased when I realized I was in the wrong car.  The driver couldn’t wait to get me out even though he was polite and courteous.  The panic attack led me to being late for my acupuncture appointment.

Lucky for me, my practitioner and the people in reception knew me well and helped calm the attack.  Our treatment focused on easing the anxiety through grounding and balancing my chi.  We didn’t have time for the bodywork and massage, but I left feeling calmer and more clearheaded.  This time, I got the right Uber and home on time.

One thing I always have to remember is that these treatments take a lot out of my body.  In stimulating my chi and forcing stagnant blockages to move, the acupuncture and bodywork promote internal healing of my organs too.  That means more sleep, more liquids, more food and more movement are needed to replenish what’s being used.  Sometimes meditation can be substituted for sleep.  Sometimes not.

But this week especially, I realized something was different.  When I lay down at night, my body buzzed on the inside from toes to head.  I wasn’t shaking or trembling.  My external self (skin, arms, legs, torso, head, neck, toes, fingers) wasn’t moving.  But I was trembling on the inside.  I could feel my blood circulating, my chi moving along the veins and through muscle.

It scared me.  And it made calming into a sleep state feel wrong.  But I was so tired.  Reading books didn’t help.  My eyes and head were tired.  Music was too stimulating.  Audio books came to my rescue.  I listened to them as I fell asleep.  Thank technology for wireless headphones.

Audio books also drowned out the trauma memory voices telling me to hurt and punish myself.  They distracted my alters and my body from reliving those experiences through backlash and shame until all of us were ready to cope with the new set of memories unleashed by the slow balancing of my chi.

I mentioned a lot of needles on my abdomen; needles also went into my legs, neck, and head to help clear stagnant chi from my mind, spirit and digestive system.  By forcing those blocked up places to move and clear out, the pain in my back and along my spine eased too.  And the swelling/water retention around my abdominal/lower back areas lessened too.  Nausea faded.  And other issues related to that improved.

As my body heals, the memories held there reveal themselves in fragments.  The fragments travel to my subconscious self and appear in dreams.  Dreams come in sleep and in meditation.  Alters switch during the sleep state, but not waking anyone up unless absolutely necessary.  I’m lucky they feel secure and safe enough here to wake up get things (like showering, getting a drink, etc.) done and then go back to sleep without disturbing anyone else.

It’s too bad that all the switching and dreaming makes for less than restful sleep.  Instead, whoever is involved spends the time processing, categorizing, and storing the fragments in bubbles until the rest appear.  The focus seems to be on what happened between ages 10 and 17; relationships, ownership, possession, secret friendships, survival, feelings vs. numbness, and loss.

So I spent most of my time not working in a state of rest.  Either sleeping or eating or doing something relaxing/meditative while drinking as much fluids and massaging my abdomen and back as much as possible to stimulate movement.  Last weekend’s panic attack taught me (and everyone else too) that massaging the abdominal area, sides, and lower back promotes movement, detoxifying, cleansing, and ease of pain.

I’m not sure what is in my future.  I’m not sure if I will ever rebuild relationships with family and people from my past into something meaningful.  I’m not sure (even if my new counselor is) whether or not my body will catch up to my mind in terms of recovery/healing health.

But I’m going to stay open to the possibilities.

I am going to stay positive.

I am going to do everything I can to promote wellness and integration for my mind/body/spirit.

How do you promote a slow detoxification of memories and illness from your self?

Thanks for reading