Anniversaries: Happy Mother’s Day to my guests

Mother’s day brings up a lot of flashbacks and bad memories for me.  I can’t celebrate it, and even have a difficult time thinking of or remembering positive mother figures in my life.  And I can’t think of anything special or interesting to write for this post.

Instead, I’m going to change it up this year.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE GUESTS WHO ARE MOTHERS AND MOTHER FIGURES!!!

Thanks for reading.

Anniversaries: Changing the experience

To any who celebrate, Happy Easter 🙂

I used to celebrate.  But after my uncle died, Easter & Passover just weren’t the same.

As with most anniversaries, I experience the usual symptoms before, during, and after the specific day or days.

But this time, I tried something different.

What did I do?

Started with accepting my limitations:

  • Can’t leave my apartment building more than 2x a week
  • Can’t leave my apartment more than 3-4x per week
  • I’m happy if I can leave my bedroom for more than food and bathroom breaks
  • The auditory hallucinations are worse than nightmares or flashbacks, but mostly only happen at night
  • Cooking is difficult, but as long as I have healthy snacks I’ll be okay
  • Weight loss is inevitable with all the stress

Then figured out what I CAN do inside my apartment:

  • Vacuum and clean the floors
  • Dust the walls, ceilings, ceiling space
  • Take a bath
  • Clean my kitchen
  • Reorganize my space using feng shui to make it feel safer & more comfortable
  • Wear as much or as little clothing as feels good according to my body
  • Move my office to the living room

My apartment BEFORE the organizing (mess):

IMG_0421

My Living Room AFTER the organizing (progress):

Kitchen, Bedroom, Bathroom, hall, and closets are still Work-In-Progress (WIP), so no photos yet.

Take a class to help me work on building a better coping strategy toolbox and foundation

Deidre Fay has a new class called Foundations in Healing.  I signed up for it earlier last week and have found it useful in many ways.  The yoga & movement parts are still difficult for me, but not as triggering as when I tried her original class a few years ago.  Once I get further into the class, I’ll share it as resources.

As it happens, I added 2 new Pinterest Boards regarding Feng Shui and Deirdre Fay’s Classes.  If you are interested, the links are here:

Feng Shui Pinterest

Deirdre Fay Classes Inspiration Pinterest

Thanks for reading

Anniversaries: Remembering but not remembering

Anniversaries & Holidays (no special order)

  • Rape begets an unwanted pregnancy
  • Parents find out about pregnancy
  • Live somewhere else for a few months
  • School??? memory blank
  • Hair grows back / body starts changing; new/different sensations
  • Women’s History month
  • Good Friday
  • St. Patrick’s Day
  • Passover
  • Daylight Savings change
  • Spring Equinox

Normally, I spend February through beginning of May in a state of partial dissociation.  I am functional, but not aware of anything long term.

This year is different.

Yesterday was hard.

Felt like the world tumbled down on me and time stood still.

I can’t remember what happened.  I think I worked.  I am pretty sure I ate something.  Beyond that, no idea.

It happens.  And I am grateful that the lost time occurs less often every year.

One day is better than one week.  One week better than one month.  And so on.

This month is the month I found out I was pregnant 20 years ago.  Not the month I conceived, but the month I discovered I was pregnant.  The month my parents discovered the pregnancy too.

Something else happened.  Something that affected my sinuses and ear-nose-throat area.

How do I know?

The Body Memories are active in 2 specific areas this time of year

  • My face/neck/throat area
  • My abdominal area

Makes sleeping and moving interesting for sure.  The nightmares keep me awake.  My body relives the sensations from being pregnant along with whatever else happened then.

I am stuck living in 2 time periods with the urge to sleep all day and stay up all night.

I am homebound when the disorientation gets really bad…I get lost in my own apartment building.

On the good side…

I’ve only lost one day so far.

The pain has gone down from 10+ to about 3.5 on an average day.

And, in spite of the memories confusing me, I can go out for short periods of time without getting disoriented.

Coping Strategies

The usual tool box exists.  My ability to access said toolbox depends on how disoriented I am on the inside.

What seems to help the most right now:

  • Children’s movies
  • murder mysteries
  • Fantasy and Science fiction books
  • Aromatherapy diffuser with Eucalyptus Globulus essential oil
  • Gratitude practice
  • Eating more nuts and fruit, less animal products
  • Letting myself relax instead of sleep

How do you cope with something that feels new and different while still being grounded in the present?

Thanks for reading

Life Changing Moments: Home, Holidays, and triggers

HAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND to everyone who celebrates a holiday this season.  Holiday season because so many people celebrate Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, etc. during this time of year.  I am thankful for all of the many people who have passed through my life this year.  Thank you for being part of this blog.

HOLIDAYS

This year was a year of renewing connections.  Scary as it is and was, I’ve started to let more family back into my life.  Some have stayed, some have left again.  In the end, the ones who stayed truly want to be involved and work out a new relationship.  The others are happy to know I exist and go on with their lives.

Yesterday, I was in California visiting family for the day.  It was a great relief from the living situation issues occurring right now.  Except the owner interrupted our day because she couldn’t get in for the inspection; also my smoke alarm was beeping.  An inspection that she gave notice of the day before, so my evening was spent cleaning and documenting the apartment instead of relaxing before the visit.

And of course, when I left everything was quiet.  Coming home, the flight was delayed; I got home close to midnight.  The apartment cold because I turned off the heat for the day.  The neighbor complaining because I turned up the heat to warm it up; then turned it down once the apartment felt less cold.  And a smoke alarm chirping because the battery was dying.

But today, my goals changed.  I was so tired from traveling and other stuff that I slept until late afternoon today.  Then went out in the snow for a quick trip to the grocery store, lunch, and batteries.  Batteries to fix the beeping smoke alarm.  Lunch because I didn’t feel like cooking after I woke up.  Groceries to complete what I missed for Christmas dinner tomorrow.

The apartment is still freezing cold, but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying today and tomorrow.  Besides cooking will help warm up the place :).

HOME

The owner gave notice of an apartment inspection earlier this week and entered yesterday while I was out.  For safety measures, I took photos of the place after cleaning it up.  So here are a few photos of my first, official, decorated home.  Enjoy!

TRIGGERS

I am almost at my wit’s end with this living situation.  Dealing with the upstairs neighbor and the owner is so triggering that I am back in survival mode right now.  It’s snowing this Christmas.  Unusual for my new city home, but welcome too.  The cold has me shivering even inside, but extra layers help a lot.  And not having to play with the heat sort of, maybe reduces some triggers.

The neighbor reminds me of the bullies I encountered in school and how helpless I was to fight back and feel safe.  The owner reminds me of the emotionally abusive, shaming, manipulative female care-takers from childhood and adolescence.  They controlled everything about my living situation and never let me feel safe or secure wherever I happened to be.

Home doesn’t always feel safe with the intermittent noise and heat changes.  REM sleep is rare these days too.  Hallucinations have started up again.  If the visual hallucinations become auditory ones, I’ll be visiting the ER.  (fingers crossed that doesn’t happen).  Anxiety and hyper-vigilance are increasing.  Paranoia and feeling crazy are close companions.  In my present mind, I know that I’m not being paranoid and that I’m not crazy.  But that doesn’t stop the feelings.

POSITIVE NEWS

On the good side, there are only 4 days left until my meeting with the attorney.  Then there will be some progress and less feelings of frustration or helplessness.  Between now and then, all I have to do is keep my head down, enjoy vacation, and survive.  All of this designed to keep me out of the apartment and in a happy state of mind.

Thanks for reading!