I’ve been receiving some wonderful comments on the “About” and “Home” pages. Thank you for sharing thoughts, compliments, feedback, etc. The purpose of this “Sticky” post is to address some of the frequently asked questions aka FAQs in an easily accessible place. It will evolve and change as the blog does. If the FAQs get to be too long, I will move them to their own page and keep the sticky one here shorter.
Well, life likes to kick my ass on a regular basis. It’s a good way of reminding me to stay present, be kind to myself, and stay open minded about what might come up as life changes.
My body does not often experience a physical panic attack bad enough that all of me is out of commission for any period of time these days. A rough estimate is 2-3 times a year for the last 3-4 years. Compared to once a month or once every few months before that, this is a big improvement.
So why did it happen? Well, something triggered a seriously scary and painful set of body memories that became flashbacks. The flashbacks literally had different parts of me reliving and re-experiencing the past all over again. No, I am not going into detail. Yes I will tell you it all goes back to my childhood/adolescence and life in the cult. And yes, I will confirm it does have to do with being female, puberty, and menstruation.
Beyond that, no I will not share anything else. Every individual experience puberty differently. What happened to me and continues to happen in my body is unique; just as yours is unique to you. Whether male or female, the changes are sometimes obvious; other times not so obvious. But we all go through it. And it affects our experience of life in the present and future.
The gassy, bloating sensations and cramps trigger negative thoughts and experiences for me. From there, it’s like dominoes. One knocks down the other until the entire chain falls. In response, the rest of my physical body tightens and prepares for “attack”. It doesn’t rest until the “threat” or “trigger” (in this case the flashback or series of flashbacks) ends.
On the good side, this one didn’t last as long as the others or cause exhaustion; I was able to work and go on with life as usual the rest of the week.
Wednesday, I had my fallopian tubes removed. The procedure itself did not hurt much at all. And my recovery is going well. I’m late posting because I’ve been sleeping a lot the last 2.5 days. The bruising is going away, and the incisions are healing fast – itchy but not painful.
The hardest parts of all this are a) recovery from anesthesia and other medications and b) having limited wardrobe options in cooler weather.
What? you ask. Well, here’s the short version.
A) Medications and I do not mix. My body has a strong sense of self-protection. While all parts of me felt safe and comfortable in the hospital and around the nursing staff, they/we did not trust them enough to put in the IV. After 5 pokes with the needles, two nurses, and 3 injections of numbing agent, the anesthesiologist managed to get an IV needle into a vein in my right hand. Once the IV worked, I fell asleep and woke up in recovery not knowing anything happened.
But, coming out of the anesthesia was awkward. I experienced flashbacks and panic attacks (like Sunday’s panic attack) as my mind and body struggled to wake up. The nurse offered me extra pain meds, and I accepted not realizing the pain came from flashbacks at the time.
Upside, the pain meds helped with abdominal pain from the procedure.
Downside, I had my usual reaction to pain meds and passed out for a while as the flashbacks and panic attack pain continued to move through my body. No, the pain meds did not help. My body fought the meds like it fought the imaginary intruders in the flashbacks while I was asleep.
B) Because the incisions are on my belly button and abdomen, I can’t wear pants or skirts or keep anything like waistbands on the area for too long. March is still cool/cold out in the Pacific Northwest, so I still need to wear something under and over my dresses. It’s made getting dressed/staying comfortable at home and going out a bit difficult. Plus, I can’t bend over or do much heavy lifting even at home. That requires some creativity to get things accomplished and easy meal options. Luckily, my relatives sent care packages that made cooking easier the past few days. But I’m kind of tired of all that and itching to try something else for a change.
Slow & Steady Healing
This Wednesday marks 1 week since the procedure. Everything is healing well even if the rest of my body is protesting with physical pain. The most painful areas are unexpected to be quite honest. I am often aware that the sides of my body and mid/lower back around the bottom of my rib cage and shoulder blades experience sore muscles and pain. Same with my hip joints and the base of my skull.
But I have not experienced actual pain in those areas for some time. They would feel tight like a rubber ball when poked. The pain appeared in my face or along my spine. Confusing, yes? Lately, though, I have been some experiencing physical pain (kind of like when you exercise too hard and your muscles protest a day or two later) in those areas. Not enough to limit my movement, but enough to trigger anxiety and flashbacks.
And this is where the aromatherapy classes and exercises come in to play. In each lesson we are given category of essential oils to learn about and “blending” exercises to complete. That means I use the class knowledge about essential oils, essential oil chemistry, blending, carrier oils, and therapeutic properties to create my own oils, lotions, bath salts, body butters, etc. My first blends were geared towards muscle pain relief, decongesting my sinuses, and improving circulation in my body (not just blood, but lymphatic system too).
They worked really well, so I felt hopeful about the next group of blending exercises. Many of the oils in these three categories helped with pain relief, stress, anxiety, and wound healing. So I chose to create a bath salt, a healing lotion for minor cuts and bruises, and an oil-based ointment that worked like Neosporin for short term use.
Since the incisions are too new and delicate, I can’t use any of these blends directly on those areas. But I used the bath salts the night before my procedure because 2 of the 3 oils have antibacterial properties and I can’t use over-the-counter antibacterial soaps. The third oil has general anti-microbial and anti-fungal properties.
And the lotion works really well for my entire body and head/face. I’ve been using it 1-2x a day on specific body areas every other day to test it out. Last night, I tried it all over and experienced a really good sleep. For the rest of this blend’s use (until I finish), that will probably be my go-to choice. Put the lotion on all over before bed time and relax into sleep. But, the next time I make this, I will be using less oil overall because the ratio of oil to lotion is too high for long term use.
The third ointment has not got much use yet. It’s a powerful healing ointment made with Tamanu carrier oil and a mix of essential oils with wound healing therapeutic properties that works well on bruises, abrasions, rashes, or scabs/scars. I’ve been waiting for approval from the doctor and nurses to use around (not on) the bruised and tender areas near the incisions.
And no, I am not going to list the oils and blends at this time. One day, in a future post, I will share some of my recipes with you. For now, there are many safety concerns related to using essential oils, and I am not willing to give you half-assed information that includes a recipe, but not measurements, safety precautions, or reliable places to make purchases.
So the recipes will have to wait.
And posting new content might be erratic until I catch up with my day job and am more mobile. Recovery requires me to sleep more, rest more, and get up and move once every 1-2 hours while I am awake to keep up circulation. There’s a lot going on, and I want to be present for you when I share these posts.
It was not a good weekend for me. My lower half seized up that Friday morning, and I couldn’t get my hips/legs to work for a few hours after waking. I missed my morning acupuncture appointment, and then stumbled on shaky legs to my home office for the work day.
As my body started moving, the pain levels and flashbacks increased. Saturday and Sunday were “stay at home and relax the muscles” days. Between resting and massaging the back/hip/leg muscles, I didn’t do much besides eat and try to move around the apartment. Note that I didn’t mention “sleep”. Sleep happens, but is not restful.
In general, winter is not an easy season. My sleep patterns get disrupted, and my body memories activate more often than at any other time. Recovery time between episodes is too small to be effective. Plus, it’s the busy time of year for my day job. Over time, deadlines, presentations, meetings, and covering for people on vacation – it all happens this time of year.
Beyond that, life gets in the way too. Classes, hobbies, “me time” and plants require time and attention to thrive. How to juggle all that??
Such is the life of a person who wants to do more than her body can handle at the moment…
After about 3 weeks of rain, clouds, snow, and cold, this weekend was warmer and sunny! I mean blue skies, white clouds, and bright enough to hurt your eyes sunny. In the end of February. Hiding 30 degree (F) cold and wind. But still warm enough for a walk…
Instead of using the public transit, I decided to walk to the store yesterday morning. It was about 6 blocks or 20 minutes – not a problem for me usually – wearing layers and a warm coat. About half way to the store, my body decided it didn’t want to walk anymore. The sweats started. Followed by hip cramps. And panicky breathing. Oh, and don’t forget the strange stares from passersby as I hold conversations with imaginary friends (aka my alters) out loud while walking.
Being warm inside the store relieved some of the muscle pain and sweating. Odd right? But the sweating didn’t come from feeling warm; it came from anxiety about walking through an unknown neighborhood to a new place for the first time. Once that was over, the panic symptoms moved on too.
Warmth stops cramps. Cold makes the cramps worse.You’d think I would have learned my lesson from this, right?
No. My thrifty sense and stubborn need to be outside in the sun had me walking another few blocks to the next place on my errands list.
Did my pain yoyo with all the in-and-out? Yup.
Did the pain get worse? Not really. It concentrated in one location and had me limping after a few minutes outside.
Is this normal? Yes, unfortunately. I haven’t discussed a lot about my physical pain here, but it’s on my list for some day.
Like the post about my mother, some topics are not easy to share or write about as soon as they get mentioned here.
And so this brings me to the last topic for the post: Taxes
In the US, all taxes for the previous year are due on April 15 of the current year. Because of medical and work expenses, my taxes were complicated to work through so I tried to get them done as early as possible. And yes, I paid extra for professional help until the tax pros (as they call themselves) taught me enough to fill out the forms on my own.
But wait, wouldn’t the taxes be finished by now if you got them done ASAP?
Normally, yes. It prevents me from feeling extra stress.
This year, not so much. There was an issue with some of my tax forms because of circumstances beyond my control. Next, the new Tax Reform laws scared me enough to wait until after talking with a professional to decide next steps. That didn’t happen until last week. And the conversation left me still scratching my head.
But, the deadline draws closer. The next 7 work days will be extra busy during my day job. And I don’t want to do my taxes after the medical procedure. A) that’s way too close to the deadline for my comfort; and B) I want to do my taxes when clear=headed and as present as possible.
So this week, you get 2 posts. And maybe another one next week if I can swing it.
* Two posts this week because there’s a lot to share.* And both are long
A minor procedure
If you are new to the blog, you might not have read the posts discussing choices, pregnancy,abortion, or relationships. There are quire a few as sexual abuse is one of the main reasons for me being the way I am, so don’t feel bad if you skipped them. I don’t wish that information on anyone and only share those experiences here as a way of sharing knowledge, resources, support, and hope with others.
Last week, I had my pre-op exam with the gynecologist who will perform a bi-lateral tubal ligation on me in 1.5 weeks. What is that? basically I’m getting my fallopian tubes permanently removed as part of a sterilization procedure.
In layman’s terms, I’m getting my tubes tied.
And I’m so excited that my emotions and body sensations have been yo-yoing all week. It’s finally happening. Yes, I am concerned about the anesthesia and some post-op requirements like the antibiotics and pain meds. But otherwise, everything is all set and ready.
Some OT this week and part of next week allows me to meet deadlines. Taxes today and next weekend will take a big load off of my mind. Some extended time off: 3 paid vacation days + compensation time from when I did OT + 2 weekend days = plenty of recover time.
My family has already sent some care packages too.
Other than some housekeeping chores – and I hope to get those done next weekend too – when my body feels less shaky, I am as prepared as possible.
Fear of Success
It’s been mentioned before. I fear success almost as much as I fear abandonment, rejection, and loss.
That said, I’ve been reluctant to write about (or even speak about ) my recent coping strategy and trauma recovery successes outside the safety of therapy or hotline calls. Sure, I might mention it to family or friends in passing, but they might not realize the significance beyond the task. Not like you, my guests, might understand.
All my life, I’ve wanted to serve – not in the sense of being a slave or trod upon or giving away stuff for free, but to help others learn and achieve their goals through empowerment, knowledge, and access to resources – and work in a career that allowed me to help others while also learning a variety of skills to feed my curiosity about..well…life.
To start in reverse order, here goes:
Last week I presented updates about a task I took on for the team and asked for feedback from the managers group. The vp of our team and my boss were there too. Everyone asked questions, and there was a lively discussion.
The big success: it was the first time in all of my 36 years I spoke in front of a group without switching personalities, having a panic attack, dissociating, not talking when I thought I was (or the opposite), or getting triggered into reacting from a past experience instead of the present one
This year, my manager approved 3 goals that included me writing internal user guides for our team documentation
technical writing has always been a goal/dream of mine in terms of an alternative career path based on my college degree. After 15 years and many people telling me I couldn’t do be a writer, it’s finally happening
At the end of 2018, my supervisor supported me in working with HR to update my job role/description to match what I actually do so that I have a future career path at the company
This goal is all about self-acceptance and feeling confident enough to advocate for change after being told for so many years that you are not enough and don’t deserve to be heard.
Finally, my aromatherapy lessons are progressing to the point where I’ll be doing case studies and a research paper soon. That brings me one step closer to my career change goal. One that is re-defining itself even as I write this.
Insecurity that I am not enough (skilled, experienced, intelligent, capable) to create a successful healing practice that supports others on their journeys using aromatherapy as part of a trauma-informed, integrated healing support strategy
quite a mouthful, but all true. I am not and never will be a doctor or medical professional.
I cannot and will not ever be able to heal people on my own or tell them what to do or cure them.
I can and will offer them choices and empower them to take control of their health in order to heal themselves by offering support, resources, and knowledge to work with what they are currently doing.
It seems like every time I think I know what I want to do when I grow up, life steps in and makes me rethink my conclusions.
I’ve come to the conclusion that people will have issues with contacting me no matter how obvious I make the links.
Same with the RSS Feeds, subscriptions, etc.
There are 4 RSS Feed or subscription buttons/links on the Sidebar to the right of every page on this site
One button/link is for WordPress members to use
The rest area for non-WordPress members to use
Many web browsers do not support RSS Feeds anymore, so you may need to download/install an RSS Feed collector like Apple News to subscribe and get my blog or comments on your feed
Apologies, but I am mostly ignorant about this topic. Only learned about Apple News when doing some research on my sites’s home page to address a guest comment earlier
Some web browsers, like Opera and IE are not as compatible with WordPress integration systems (from WordPress support) based on code and software topics beyond my pay grade.
WordPress is happy to work with you to address these issues if you email them questions through their customer support portal
I feel your pain, honest I do.
As someone who is not on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, etc. I miss getting updates from my favorite authors and news about new book releases, videos, etc. now that they moved all that info to their social media sites.
And so, I’m conquering another fear (of exposure/vulnerability./visibility) by moving the contact form to a public place on t he top menu bar.
If you really want to contact me, you can fill out that form. I do respond to those feedback emails as long as they are not obviously spam. The blog rules don’t apply to the comment form.
*All I do ask is that you be respectful and polite if you do send me an email through the contact form*
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for your time.
Disclaimer 1: I recently joined the WordPress Affiliate program and will not be promoting the use of other blog and website hosting sites from now on. If you choose to click on the affiliate link here or on my site and follow the instructions, I will earn a small percentage for advertising only WordPress products.
Disclaimer 2: WordPress affiliate links feel safe since they and their products are used to keep this site and blog operating. Other than the WordPress affiliate link and future promotional posts of my other business once it gets going, I do not plan to use other affiliate links, sell products, or include third party advertising on this site.
Writing vs Blogging
Some people will tell you that writing and blogging are basically the same. Blogging is another type of writing like Technical writing or journalism or marketing. I disagree. Writing is involved in a lot of traditional blogging, but some bloggers never write any content at all. Their blogs are based around photogaphy, visual art, videos, music, or other types of sound. And they are incredibly successful bloggers who don’t or seldom include the written word.
To be a writer, you write. To be a published writer, you are a journalist, author, editor, or freelancer of some kind. Maybe you work in business or marketing as a writer.; in this case you can be a published writer, but not under your own name. Or you teach writing classes. Either way, you focus on writing and let others make decisions (with your input) about the visuals and technical stuff associated with publishing. Becoming a successful writer takes patience, persistence, and practice as you work on your craft.
Blogging is more than writing articles with interesting titles and content. Many of the most popular blogs include photos and videos, get shared on social media channels, and have multiple purposes. Unlike print journalism, communications, creative writing, and technical writing, blogging is about more than writing the best possible content. The differences are in how and what kind of content is shared with the audience through non-traditional media channels. Becoming a successful blogger also takes patience, persistence, and practice as you work on your craft.
Visual art and math are my weaknesses when it comes to effective blogging and use of existing software technology. I can sketch and draw, but not with any real talent. Math, HTML, and related topics are essentially foreign languages to me.
Learning new writing software and keeping up with published standards for the main style guides are my main writing weaknesses. I never took formal proofreading and editing classes so feel less than confident about my skills and abilities in those areas as pertains to following Chicago Manual or AP style guides for example.
But that’s me, not you. Your strengths and skills will be and are different than mine. What you bring to the writing and blogging table is uniquely yours and is what defines your authentic style. And that authentic style (aka writing or blogging voice) differentiates you from everyone else. It’s that voice that will draw your audience in and make them want to return.
Full disclosure: WordPress offered me a chance to become an affiliate and make money promoting or advertising their products on my site. Since WordPress hosts my site and has helped me maintain safety for all guests, I agreed to try this option out. If you click on the WordPress affiliate link here or on the website and follow its instructions, I get paid a small amount of money. The choice to click or not click is yours. Please do what’s best for you always.
WordPress offered me exactly what I needed to set up a basic website and blog with minimal technical knowledge and a lot of writing skills. Only after 3 years of blogging with WordPress did I finally decide to invest in a paid account with domain name, more robust technical support, and upgrades for my website. Unfortunately, I still don’t have the money to invest in a site that allows me to embed videos.
What I love about WordPress
Free account available
Easy set up
Free resources – tutorials, knowledge base, community forum, access to bloggers who write about how to use WordPress, themes
Large amount of freedom to customize my chosen website theme and appearance
Two-step authentication option and other security measures against viruses, spam, malware, etc. included in the account
Free (basic) metrics and tracking available to monitor your website or blog’s traffic
4 levels of paid account options
Integration with other affiliate and advertising programs to get paid for advertising on your website
Excellent customer support for all types of accounts – chat and email support for paid accounts are excellent
Ease of use and manageable learning curve for those of us who are not tech-savvy and want to create a professional or interesting blog