This week, the OCD is really strong. I am struggling with compulsions to be self-destructive, let shame take over, and push people away because I don’t deserve to be around good people. Instead of being self-destructive, I chose to watch crime dramas, procedurals, and super hero shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime. When TV & movies didn’t work, I re-read one of my favorite books about overcoming obstacles.
Here is the quote from Archangel’s Storm by Nalini Singh
“I’ll find my vengeance in living a life overflowing with happiness,” Mahiya vowed, “In drowning myself in love, not hatred.”
This quote reminds me that I have choices. And so does anyone whose survived trauma and abuse.
Mahiya survived over 300 years living with a narcissistic father who hated the sight of her and blamed her for the fact that his wife wouldn’t forgive him for cheating on her with her twin sister. Mahiya’s aunt was the ruler of the territory she lived in. The aunt used her as a tool for vengeance and tortured her for fun as long as she was useful. Then Mahiya’s father dies, and the aunt no longer has a reason to keep her alive.
If Mahiya can survive living in that kind of situation for 300 plus years, I can get through one or more nights of flashbacks & nightmares that trigger OCD.
So can anyone else as determined and courageous and resilient as Mahiya. Because survival is one thing. But living a life of joy & love in spite of past trauma is something else.
Thanks for reading.