Halloween is tomorrow. From an objective perspective, I enjoy people watching and seeing the families with young children trick-or-treating. From a personal perspective, my triggers are still too raw for my to actually enjoy the holiday.
So here is Wednesday’s post a few days early.
Saturday afternoon, I was doing errands and visiting friendly people in the neighborhood. It was the first day all week that I felt somewhat energetic and able to go out. Not sure about you, but sometimes, in spite of using every coping strategy possible and trying to stay healthy, the flashbacks, triggers, pain, and exhaustion win. And it comes down to choices: stay in, rest and be able to work; or go out, enjoy the nice weather, do errands, and come home feeling tired/sick/unable to work then next day?
But Saturday, started off pretty good and continued that way until obligation reared its ugly head. Not sure if you recall, but I wrote a few posts back in August/September about toxic relationships and communication with people in my life. My choice was to share the posts as a way of discussing the issues with them and then let those individuals make the next move since verbal conversations turned into stressful arguments or worse.
Well, one of those individuals reached out indirectly; not through email, Facebook, text or anything like that. Maybe this person expected me to come back and visit or reach out in some way? When that didn’t happen, a mutual acquaintance “casually” asked if I was stopping by a particular store to visit there too.
Personally, I knew that I would talk to the individual eventually because I would want closure in the future. But I wanted to do that on my terms. That meant walking away from a triggering situation with a potentially toxic individual for a while. Then using that time to reflect on conversations, interactions, and changes in perspective. I honestly did not expect her to reach out in any way.
But I also knew that if this individual did, I would be walking into a trap of some kind. And by trap, I mean a situation where the other individual controlled the setting, manipulated our interactions, and tried to incite a reaction (negative) that shook my confidence or made me feel less than her.
The goal: to put me in my place by making me realize I had no control in the relationship. That I conformed or got excluded from the community.
The set up was pretty obvious from the time I walked in. Two friends were in the store with the individual; people close in age with shared interests and perspectives on life. All three went out of their way to show me with their body language and own personal stories how little my update mattered to them and how boring my apartment decorating was. When that didn’t incite a defensive or shamed reaction, they moved on to discuss other topics.
I listened to them and observed the store owner; that’s why I was there you see. I wanted to confirm that this individual was not someone I wanted in my life. Listening to the store owner talk to someone else my age, some other older customers, and answer a question I had about store credit confirmed that we would not ever be able to be friends or have a relationship in the future. Put downs disguised as teasing. Emotional manipulation in the form of “helpful” advice or suggestions. Passive aggressive comments about body shape from the friends all spoken in sugary, polite tones.
But what really got me was when one of the friends talked about her “terrible childhood” and then condescended to tell me that I “was probably too young to know” what they were referring to. The condescending part didn’t bother me. I look 10 years younger than my age and told them so. Then mentioned some other shows from that time period. Not the reaction they expected, so the conversation ended with: “You’re a baby” from a person 9 years older than me.
Inspiration for this post
The female friend’s description of a “terrible childhood” struck me. You see, the store owner befriended me when I first moved to the new state and was vulnerable – alone and getting to know the neighborhood – thanks to my social experiment. So she knew a fair amount about my past, but not all the details. One thing she knew about was my traumatic past and toxic family situation.
What she didn’t realize until later was the following:
- I may be soft spoken and quiet, but I am not a pushover
- I may not act confident all the time, but I feel and am confident in myself as an individual
- I cultivate and live by the following concepts: radical acceptance, unconditional love, respect for all living beings, unconditional compassion, and forgiveness
- Doesn’t always show because my triggers get in the way, but I am secure enough in myself to fight back, speak up, and assert myself when people try to take advantage of me or manipulate me or bully me or be mean in any way
- I hardly ever start fights/arguments/etc. but I always finish them
- I am strong, am resilient, and fight to survive – that means I fight to win and/or escape every time – and am well versed in how to fight dirty with words or fists
- Finally, I work hard to cultivate only supportive, positive relationships while minimizing and removing toxic or negative ones.
So when she and her friends texted each other and brought up so many potentially triggering topics (personal finance, repairing/decorating the apartment, family) to try and manipulate me, I realized that I don’t need or want people like that in my life. Listening to their conversations without reacting frustrated them more than it did me.
Observing them in action and talking about their childhoods got me thinking about my past. It also got me thinking about the definition of an unhappy or horrible childhood. Because honestly, I’m not sure that having a traumatic childhood is the same as having an unhappy or horrible one. Yes, trauma causes many unhappy, horrible, unsafe, and dangerous childhood experiences. Yes, trauma has a long-lasting negative influence on child/adolescent/adult development.
But does the experience of a traumatic past really = an unhappy childhood?
Feel free to disagree with me on this. After all your experience is just as true and valid as mine, and this blog/website is about accepting and valuing all perspectives and experiences of trauma.
When I started this website, about 28-30 years of my past was a blur of fragments and sensations that didn’t make much sense. I couldn’t trust my memory of past events because of all the holes from traumatic amnesia. And I didn’t know that my dreams and nightmares were sometimes interpretations of my childhood memories intertwined with the traumatic events.
There were times I woke up one morning and couldn’t remember what happened for the last 6 months. Or times I was at work in the middle of a report, dissociated and/or switched, and couldn’t remember what happened for 5, 15, 20, 60 minutes at a time. I had to go back and redo all of my work because I couldn’t remember what I started or finished.
That memory problem lessened as I started working with a trauma informed counselor. And as the tangled trauma memories sorted themselves out, other memories surfaced. Memories of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that brought smiles and laughter. Memories of accomplishments and small successes that strengthened my resolve and helped me understand where my values come from.
Memories, that when separated from the trauma triggers and shame, that reminded me of how wonderful and happy the most important parts of my childhood were. Experiences where adults modeled tolerance and acceptance and forgiveness and compassion in their daily interactions. Experiences that showed me how to bounce back from mistakes, be an individual instead of part of the crowd, own my flaws and turn them into strengths, and always have a plan.
Most important: anything is possible as long as I believe in myself and not let fear stop me from trying, making mistakes, learning, and trying again until I succeed.
Sure, I am flawed. My family is flawed. Some of them are outright dangerous and toxic and unsafe. But others are safe and trustworthy and loving and accepting of everything in their own ways. And the safe relatives, those are the people who taught me the skills I needed to survive and then let me go when I needed to leave in order to find myself. When I did come back, they welcomed me with open arms and unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness for hurting them – unintentionally or not.
So while traumatic situations can cause unhappy and horrible experiences in any phase of life, I truly believe that individuals choose their own perspectives of childhood or any other part of their life.
I choose to acknowledge and value what my traumatic past taught me while living without regrets and focusing on the gifts that same past gave me so that I could become the woman I am now and who I will be in the future.
And I hope that sharing this story helps other guests find the little bits of positivity that comes from any experience to help them move forward in their recovery or healing journey – whatever they choose to call it.
Thanks for reading