It’s fall. The weather has turned cool, damp, and cloudy. Leaves are changing color and falling.
Normally, this is my favorite season and time of the year. I love rain and color changes and the smell of ozone in the air after rain fall. The plants have a different scent too; and I’m surrounded by plants and forest on one side; a benefit of living within blocks of a city forest.
And yet, this year, I’m struggling with hyper-vigilance and body memories about cold weather even in my apartment. The curtains are up, the windows have been caulked. My apartment is warm with the heat on. A few places still have cracks that let air in, but not too badly. If I open the heat vents more, then the place will warm up more too.
I’m being mindful and wearing lots of layers too. Using coping strategies and grounding techniques to help with the anxiety and depression. Making financial plans to finish decorating my apartment sooner instead of later. Going to therapy and for Chinese Medicine treatments regularly. Maintaining an open dialogue with the landlord/owner about what I notice in the apartment and documenting everything. And so on.
But at the same time, my body feels chilled constantly. I feel hyper-vigilant like intruders could get in at any time. The usual sinus/cold/allergy body memories are trying to manifest as they normally do – making me feel sick and listless – and yet are not. Instead of severe sinusitis and flu-like symptoms, I feel like I have allergies. Instead of many sleepless nights followed by crashing, I feel tired a lot and sometimes have to start my day later, but have not needed to take any time off.
And still my body experiences pain around my neck and shoulders. No amount of hot tea or soup brings my body temperature back to warm/normal. I feel alternately tired and energetic, yet unable to exercise or be active without backlash. And my body itself is humming with internal movement. The kind you might feel after a moderate workout or stretching routine where your muscles were given a thorough workout.
It didn’t help that my alters got activated late last week when a supposedly down on his luck man came knocking at the door asking for a handout. My alters tell me that he was really a private investigator looking for information, but no one has concrete evidence. Either way, he made everyone feel super uncomfortable to the point of changing our plans.
The next I let a scam artist convince me to give him and his female partner two dollars. That felt conflicting because I knew it was a scam, yet my intuition told me that giving the two dollars would help protect the female partner in some way. The man felt predatory and smug to me; I didn’t like him at all as he spoke to me. The woman stayed back with hoodie partially covering her face and silent.
Except for her eyes. Her eyes told a different story. And for once, I empathized with her situation, and the potential danger of not meeting a quota for her handler. So I gave the money in spite of my instincts telling me these people were dangerous and to just run away/ignore them. That was a new struggle for me because my reactions used to be very straightforward:
Danger = fight/flight/faint/freeze response is activated and I run or fight or hide/stay still until the danger passes
This time my reaction was:
Danger = is this danger to me or someone else? I am safe and can walk away, but that doesn’t stop the danger. So the danger is not to me; who is in danger? Can I help? And will this action help? Feeling of relief because my small action did help. Feelings of confusion, anxiety and shame because I did not react like I normally do
So now I’m struggling with making my home feel warm and safe again so that my body can relax. And then my mind can relax. And maybe I will stop feeling danger everywhere. Or second guessing myself and questioning my reality/perceptions. Or feeling scared and not wanting to leave my apartment.
The only thing really working for right now is reality testing my perceptions and experiences with a compassionate and objective third party. Grounding, meditation, etc. always helps in the short term. And in spite of my body feeling unsafe and on alert, the rest of me does feel safe/happy/healthy.
It’s the mixed signals that are confusing me. Confusing the alters too.
I wish this post could be more positive and offer effective strategies/solutions, but it’s not. I am struggling too.
If you get triggered by weather or environment or circumstances beyond your control, please take steps to feel and be safe. It’s often more difficult to reach out as winter and holidays approach. You are not alone or isolated. Neither are we. Sometimes just remembering that helps too.
Thanks for reading.