We’re taking a break from posting. Not sure what exactly is going to happen or why, but everyone in the system agrees that a Self-Care weekend is necessary.
Among other things, tomorrow is an anniversary…a remembrance of joy and loss.
Plus it was multiple events in August 2010 that informed the “no contact” with family choice of 2011/2012 and beyond.
Finally, I’ve read some excellent posts by guests and the WordPress Reader about Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse, being highly sensitive in an insensitive world, and what friendships really mean. We all need some time to process, digest, reflect & integrate everything into our framework.
So, We in the system wish you all a healthy, safe, relaxing, and (hopefully) happy next few days.
Thanks for reading.
In the past, I’ve shared some of my favorite contemporary authors who write romance, science fiction, and/or fantasy – mostly skewed towards female or male/female partnership authors – or self-help books. But I never shared many of my favorite male authors or other types of books – books that taught me many valuable life lessons.
That comes from the scared parts of me who fear sharing such an important cornerstone even with close friends and family. I am an absolute nerd when it comes to books and have a love affair with ancient/classic stories (before and during the time of Shakespeare) along with early American authors.
And so, many of my favorite male authors come from these categories. A lot of them still carry memories, so I listen for free on Podcasts or borrow from the library.
If you are interested, here is a short list:
- Euripedes – comedies and tragedies
- Aristophanes – comedies and tragedies
- Homer – Oddessy & Iliad
- Aesop – book of fables
British across many periods
- Bede – Anglo/Saxon mythology or creation stories
- Chaucer – A Knight’s tale and other poems
- John Donne – beautiful sonnets and poetry
- George Bernard Shaw – not usually a fan of politics or plays, but his are short, interesting. I actually did my senior thesis paper on his take of Antony & Cleopatra.
American across many periods
- Nathaniel Hawthorne
- Mark Twain
- Walt Whitman
- Henry David Thoreau
- Robert Frost
Youth (mostly within the last 4 decades)
- Dr. Seuss
- Donald J. Sobol
- Sid Fleishman
- Rick Riordan
As you can see, these books range from fiction to non-fiction, children to adult, and poetry.
What do you think this says about me? And does it bring up any secret parts in you that might want to be heard?
For me, I’m starting to read these books and enjoy them again – this time without the past shading my experience.
Thanks for reading
Schedule Change this week: I may not be able to post on the regular days due to anniversaries – PLUS ANOTHER LONG POST
Between January of last year and March of this year, I went through the process of applying to graduate school for Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). That & aromatherapy are what I’d like to be my second career, so it seemed like a good thing to do and provide opportunities to meet people in a new city. Plus, I had been going there for a few months to get treatment at the teaching clinic and really liked the school’s philosophy, training approach, professionalism, etc.
Many of my friends, co-workers, and family members were happy for me. Almost all of them knew how much I wanted to work in the healing arts and couldn’t take those steps during the first round of college. I was still scared and worried that my PTSD and DID would get in the way, but I also felt hopeful because everything was different. Interpersonal communication, socializing, and interacting with people was still difficult. The fears, panic attacks, and communication issues still existed, but I was ready to face these challenges head on.
I applied for the masters program. And I persisted even when my application got put aside due to human error/glitch in the admissions department. My application was accepted, and I was asked to come in for an interview (step 2). Now, speaking in groups is extremely triggering and scary, not just for me (the host interacting with people), but for everyone in our system. It brought back a lot of bad memories.
So I coped in the best way I knew: gather information, practice with different people, and focus on what I can control instead of what I can’t control. Namely, my outfit, accessories, and travel plans. Then work out a group of coping strategies I could take with me to use. People who didn’t know me well got the impression that I was not focusing on the important stuff – namely acing my interview questions – and too much on my appearance. But that’s okay. Certain forums are NOT the best place for personal confessions. Not everyone needs to know everything about anything.
The interview was lively with a good flow and many laughs. They asked the required questions and then some based on the conversation. Then I asked questions to follow up on some of their comments. But I was brutally honest about all of my personal challenges and possible issues with being in classes and classrooms during the interview. I felt accomplished about getting through the interview without switching or having a panic attack.
I didn’t expect to get accepted. Nor did I truly want to be accepted into the program at the time. Either I would be waitlisted or rejected.
I got wait listed and offered a chance to “sit in” and observe some of the potentially triggering classes; then write an essay about my experiences and have a second interview. But all of this had to happen before the admissions deadline. And all of the classes were during the day. Thankfully, my boss understood and allowed me to change my work schedule for 3 weeks. It was a great opportunity for me to see if my plan (school and work together) was workable or not.
So, I worked, went to acupuncture appointments, went to counseling, blogged, and attended classes for 3 weeks in the spring. The students and teacher included me in many activities and made me feel like part of the class. It gave me a perspective I would not have had otherwise and a chance to test myself in a real life situation.
Then came the time for my second interview. My essay was strictly about experiences related to whether or not I could succeed in a graduate school program in spite of the current challenges. It did not touch on how I felt or reacted or coped with life in general. My blog posts touched on that; and in an effort to be transparent and honest, I let the committee members have access to the blog posts during that period too.
The differences in my professional essay to the committee and my blog posts in the same period were glaring and could be misinterpreted by those who don’t understand what it’s like to live on the inside and the outside. So I explained the differences in the interview.
The blog shares experiences about my whole life (the internal one my alters and I cope with all the time) and all of the recurring coping challenges that come with having PTSD & DID.
The essay focused only on my experiences with the college and whether or not I’d be able to cope with the stress of that and continue my current lifestyle/work.
What is expressed here on the blog is my whole life including 90% of what people in the outside world DON’T SEE OR KNOW ABOUT ME AND WHAT I HAVE TO COPE WITH ON A DAILY BASIS.
I got rejected for 2017/2018 admissions.
Instead of feeling sad or upset or angry or shamed, I felt happy, grateful, hopeful, and relaxed.
My Perspective & Goals for this Experience
I went through this process to test my ability to cope and interact with many different kinds of people in a triggering environment full of potential pitfalls.
My learning Style is: Kinesthetic followed by Cognitive
That means I learn best by DOING or PARTICIPATING in the activity or experience followed by Thinking & Processing information I read or learned through all senses.
Like I told the Admissions Committee in both interviews:
My life now is not the same as it was last time I went through graduate school. I am not the same person then as I am now. My coping strategies/techniques are different. My sense of self is different. My reactions to triggers and stimuli are also different.
HAPPY because I accomplished my goal and learned where I need to improve so that going back to school will be a success
GRATEFUL because the school gave me a unique opportunity to challenge myself and test my skills in a safe, but honest real life situation
HOPEFUL because someday I know that I can and will succeed at graduate school & my second career as long as I work on coping strategies to deal with overstimulation & communication challenges through small steps & successes
RELAXED because now the challenge is over, and I have the information I needed. It was tough, scary, triggering, and full of stress, but also fun, exciting, interesting, and filled with life lessons I am still processing and integrating into the present.
It’s times like these when Robert Frosts’ poem “The Road Not Taken” comes to mind.
The people who know, love, & accept me as I am might not always understand why I do things the way I do, but they accept that it’s the right way for me and support my choices.
The opposite is true too.
The path we take to recovery & life after surviving trauma is a lot like the road less traveled:
Full of pitfalls, traps, and head-scratching to other people, but exactly right for each and every one of us.
And that’s part of why I write this blog
Everyone deserves to have someone in your corner who values, supports, and accepts them as they are and their choices too. Someone gave that to me, and it changed my life. Now I’m grateful to give that to others too.
Thanks for reading
This is a long, complicated, and potentially triggering post. Please read with care
In August, I hear many voices in my head. My alters also hear voices – female/male, old/young, always condescending, always mean, always tearing down something – in our head. Sometimes we hear the same voices; sometimes we hear different ones. I guess it depends on the triggers each of us experience and how we react to them.
The most difficult and prevalent triggers feel like pain in the middle of our chest – like our heart and lungs hurt. These triggers bring out feelings of shame, incompetence, guilt, and embarrassment. The accompanying voices try to make us question our beliefs, choices, opinions, processes, and sense of self. They remind us of past experiences where one or more alters or host personalities spoke or behaved in such a way that the criticism from a friend or an acquaintance or family member spirals into flashbacks, backlash, and extreme reactions.
What Kind of Reactions?
Reactions like Rebellion, Anger, Lashing Out, Withdrawal, Lecturing, Over-Apologizing, and Falling Back into Old Patterns.
Reflection, Perspective, Self-Compassion, Compassion for Others
When one or all of us do get perspective back, we reflect and feel shame that all of this spiraled out of control and got to us. And we try to have compassion for ourselves as we learn from these reactions and experiences.
Part one of working through the voices is a combination of processing and reflection. Processing happens in two ways for us:
- Working with a therapist or counselor to understand an experience
- Working amongst ourselves to understand an experience.
With our regular person away, we’ve been using option two with help from the crisis hotline on sticky situations. This time around, we shared our perspectives of recent conversations and experiences that bring out feelings of shame, rebellion, anger, and hurt. All of us wanted to understand WHY we reacted a certain way every time – and not just to people, but music, movies, tv episodes, etc.
Then we decided to get thoughts from close friends and learn more about how and why we react the way we do – highly sensitive persons, extroversion/introversion, empathy & empaths, life philosophy – Eleanor Roosevelt. Some of this processing and reflection was shared on the blog along with coping strategies for working with overwhelming feelings/energy levels.
Which brings us to Perspective.
Perspective = Knowledge + Understanding + Accepting/Sharing/Rejecting Responsibility
My cousin and his new wife actually provided this insight during our dinner together. Seeing people interact as an adult or learning background information about an experience fills in blanks and can add perspective – teaching us something new and helping understand people/past/motivations with compassion and insight.
The biggest piece of information I learned is that I tend to take on and reflect (i.e. act like, verbalize, express) feelings, thoughts, opinions & behaviors of the people I spend time around when I feel anxious or triggered. This happens without conscious knowledge.
- Part of me says it’s a survival instinct because burying my true self and conforming on the outside kept me safe.
- Part of me says it’s an automatic defense mechanism and maybe rebellious behavior because I can’t verbalize my true opinions to the individual or group.
- Part of me says it’s because I am empathic and do not have proper defensive shields to protect and separate myself from other people.
- Part of me says I will deliberately seek out people who draw these kinds of reactions from me to punish myself when I give in to the self-harm obsessions and compulsions
All of me agrees that the opinions above are true.
All of me agrees that these opinions and beliefs are NOT excuses or rationalizations for negative or bad reactions. They are NOT about abdicating self-responsibility or blaming others. They are truths about myself and my alters and can be used for positive, neutral, or negative purposes.
But these personal characteristics make it easy for me to believe when other people tell me I am being selfish, self-centered, arrogant, etc. Or that I talk too much about myself or am not being very tactful in respecting my elders or other people’s opinions or being rude in my speech or a bad listener or making excuses or not taking responsibility for myself and my actions.
Because, somewhere in my murky past when I didn’t have any choice except to conform and behave a certain way, I was all of those things. I didn’t choose to be that way. But I spoke and acted that way to protect myself. And while I did get punished and reviled by outsiders, I stayed safe where it mattered.
These days, behaviors like that only come out for three reasons:
- Conscious defense mechanism against negativity – I act like the people around me to fit in and shield myself. It means that I get criticized and shamed for acting a certain way, but that’s okay since acting like myself brings out even more negative reactions in those situations and withdrawal is not an option
- Unconscious defense mechanism against triggers – like in the experience staying with my friend while on vacation, part of me realized she was not safe anymore and acted to protect us from her by mirroring her words and behaviors. She admits to being a bad listener with her own traumatic past. So when I didn’t react the way she wanted and expected me to react to her conversational tidbits, she lashed out. And then tried to “correct” my behavior by shaming me. Only with perspective from my old therapist did I realize what I was doing, why her barbs hit so strong, and why I felt shame doing what I did.
- Self-harm – It’s not often that I feel backlash strong enough to make me seek out toxic people on purpose or put myself in situations where I will encounter known toxic people. But when I do this on purpose, it’s because I or some part of me has given in to the compulsion to self-harm. Emotional self-harm was an effective distraction that caused all of us to FEEL something and provided an excuse to punish ourselves.
As you can see, this automatic defense is not something any of us in the system want to stay automatic. In almost every situation outlined above, the inner and outer reactions to it are mostly neutral or negative. And how we cope with the aftermath can be shaky.
Which brings us to Compassion – self & other
The best coping strategy we’ve found for working through this kind of trigger situation is Compassion.
Self-Compassion = being kind to ourselves + forgiving ourselves for making a mistake + separating responsibility from blame + learning from the experience
The shame is an automatic response for taking care of and defending ourselves. It is not something inherent, but taught over many years by many adults, educators, and peers. If this automatic defense mechanism was negative and harmful, none of us would feel shame after using it. Nor would we question whether or not what the other person said of us is true or false.
The guilt come from standing up for our beliefs in spite of hurting the other person. Instead of being flexible and giving in like we were taught, we did the opposite in a quiet, assertive, but obvious way. If we had given in, no one would feel guilt.
The blame vs responsibility is trickier to explain. Therapy taught us how to give back responsibility that did not belong to us and only accept responsibility or our part in an experience. Therapy also taught us the difference between blame and responsibility. If we accepted the blame for everything and held ourselves responsible, we wouldn’t feel any backlash. That is in line with what the abusers taught us. But this trigger does the opposite. Perspective helps us realize NO ONE IS TO BLAME and that WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OURSELVES in any experience.
As long as we accepted responsibility for our actions and reactions, learned from our mistakes, and understood why this situation was trigging/brought out defense mechanisms, we did our best and are okay. Nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.
Compassion for Others
Since we have no control over others, the environment, etc., we can let go of that sense of responsibility and accept that other people are who they are without blame. We can understand that they will act and react based on their internal values, beliefs, and triggers. It has nothing to do with us.
Here we can feel compassion for the other people by understanding that they have their own personal struggles to work through and cope with. That those struggles may cause them to lash out and exert control by hurting us and others around us – either on purpose or without conscious knowledge of their motivations. By remembering and applying this knowledge, we can choose to react with sensitivity, respect, and assertiveness as we share our opinions instead of lashing out and making things worse.
Or we can choose to not share opinions and still respond with sensitivity, respect, and assertiveness of boundaries. Then decide for ourselves how much contact we want to have with this person who is potentially unsafe or toxic or wants to change us in some way.
Acceptance of Truths
In August, I remember how my family treated me just before I walked away. I remember thinking and believing on some level that I deserved to be treated this way for not conforming to my mother’s wishes and my fathers expectations. That my brother should hate me because I was successful and independent with friends and a community outside of where we grew up.
The flashbacks and voices in my head only show one perspective; the one that reinforces negative beliefs about myself.
But then I think about the present time. I think about the wonderful people in my life. I think about how this website and blog helps me help other people. I think about the blessings and opportunities that come from my job and my support network. And those negative beliefs start to lose substance.
- While I may feel shame or confusion about what I did to make my mother, father, brother, or relatives/acquaintances hate/dislike/feel ashamed of me, I realize too that I might not have said or done anything specific.
- Either way, it’s out of my control and not my responsibility to make them feel good or happy.
- I can let go of feeling ashamed or guilty for choosing myself instead of them.
- I can let go of the anger and hurt that these people can’t love, accept, respect, or care about me as I am.
- I can accept that I will always love, accept, and care about these people as they are even if I personally dislike and cannot trust who they are as individuals.
- I can finally start to believe I deserve having a nest egg and can save money without having to spend it once I reach a certain level of savings
- I can accept that my family and I will never have much in common or be able to spend time together without conflict, but that we can support and love each other from a distance
Thanks for reading