A Truth: I’ve talked a lot about how acknowledging and accepting my feelings has helped me move past many difficult moments in recovery.
Another truth: I’m afraid of the negative feelings inside me. I’m afraid to acknowledge them, accept them, validate them because they might just take over and turn me into a monster.
Coping Strategy: Denial
Coping Challenge: Find a substitute
Solution: Do what I did with the positive emotions that scared and overwhelmed me until I got used to them. Then let the negativity go instead of keeping it as part of my life.
What does that mean: I use a Tibetan meditation practice called Mara to help me sort out my overwhelming feelings and fear when nothing else works. This practice is something I learned from reading Pema Chodron’s books and listening to her audio books.
During my last Mara meditation, I realized that I was afraid to let the negative feelings out because they might turn me into a monster like my parents or the other perpetrators. But after the session, those negative feelings didn’t seem so scary. And the only person I hurt by keeping these feelings inside was myself.
So I’m embracing the hate.
Then I’m letting it go.
Because hatred, violence, pain, meanness, and hurt don’t have a place in my life anymore.
Will I still experience negativity and negative feelings? YES
Will I still experience violence, pain, meanness, hatred, and hurt? YES
Will that negativity continue to define my life? I sincerely hope not.
How will I work through this? One moment at a time with lots of support from loved ones.
Thanks for reading