Archives for the month of: March, 2017

Introduction

This past month has been busy with a lot of changes.  When not writing a post, working, or going to necessary appointments, I’ve been sleeping and trying to practice self care.

Coping Strategies

Thankfully, where I live offers grocery delivery service and food delivery options.  This kept me fed no matter how tired I felt.  But every once in a while I did try to go out and walk.  I did try to talk with friends and acquaintances.  Or at least act friendly when we ran into each other; this includes dogs and other friendly animals.  I also tried to do some cleaning and trash removal.

The Trigger

But I also felt some shame about not keeping in touch, especially with people and dogs in my building.  That shame mixed with my usual March depression created this compulsion to put myself in an emotionally compromising situation yesterday.  It was the first day in a couple of weeks where I felt good in the morning, dressed in a cute outfit for myself, and was focused on enjoying the day instead of the discomfort from feeling sick.

I don’t know what possessed me to do this (maybe missing my neighbor’s dog?), but I opened the door when I heard my neighbor’s dog bark.  His bark is distinctive, but I wasn’t sure if I missed him or not.  Well, I didn’t miss him.  We spent some quality time cuddling together, and then I brought him back to his human.

And this is where the emotional self-harm kicks in.  

 

Upon seeing her again, (I brought the dog downstairs to her while she was chatting with a potential renter) I suddenly felt the need to apologize for not being in touch over the last few weeks.  My mind got cloudy, and I started to feel really far away (desensitization) even though we stood less than 3 feet apart.  I didn’t want to say a lot or stay long, so I apologized and told her I’d been busy; she replied by saying we should catch up some time.  I agreed, then left.

Then I went upstairs and wrote her an email.  In the email I was more honest and explained in more detail what happened the past few weeks.  Who would want to be around people when they feel sick?

Then I sent the email, not expecting a response.

And I didn’t get one.  I won’t get one.

But I also didn’t feel upset or ashamed of myself for not getting a response.  I didn’t feel good or bad about myself.  The negative self talk did not arrive.  The trigger is still there.  The past memories and experiences tried and continue to try to shame me by bringing up memories of high school and college that used to unleash floods of shame and embarrassment.

Instead, the anxiety I feel now is because the expected response to this unsafe situation I put myself in did not occur.

As both my therapists would say: this is a sign of significant internal change.  And the anxiety over the different response – normal.

How did I cope?

  • I watched some episodes of Glee on Netflix and got in touch with the preteen and teen parts who were feeling the grief and shame.
  • Then I packed and put the accumulated recycling in the outdoor bins.
  • Before I treated myself with an amazing chocolate dessert, I brought the return packages to the mailbox.

Conclusion

My mind tried to trick me into feeling awful with past memories.  It used someone I consider a friend, but feel wary around now because of some semi-recent experiences that were part projection (triggers) and part reality.

I had not consciously put myself in an emotionally unsafe situation in over a year before now.  For two years, I was careful and chose to avoid people who seemed emotionally unsafe – i.e. they reminded me of my parents or others from the past with their words and actions.

And now I realize that I really have changed.  What happens next is anyone’s guess.

Thanks for reading.

94d5f52615e6ed71bc96c1a0dff3f553

 

(from: https://www.pinterest.com/cookoutchef/quotes-about-food/)

A good reminder to eat healthy, tasty, nutrient rich food and drink lots of water or flavored water (with a few treats sprinkled through) even when I feel ambivalent.

A Truth: I’ve talked a lot about how acknowledging and accepting my feelings has helped me move past many difficult moments in recovery. 

Another truth: I’m afraid of the negative feelings inside me.  I’m afraid to acknowledge them, accept them, validate them because they might just take over and turn me into a monster.

Coping Strategy: Denial

Coping Challenge: Find a substitute

Solution: Do what I did with the positive emotions that scared and overwhelmed me until I got used to them.  Then let the negativity go instead of keeping it as part of my life.

What does that mean: I use a Tibetan meditation practice called Mara to help me sort out my overwhelming feelings and fear when nothing else works.  This practice is something I learned from reading Pema Chodron’s books and listening to her audio books.

During my last Mara meditation, I realized that I was afraid to let the negative feelings out because they might turn me into a monster like my parents or the other perpetrators.  But after the session, those negative feelings didn’t seem so scary.  And the only person I hurt by keeping these feelings inside was myself.

So I’m embracing the hate.

Then I’m letting it go.

Because hatred, violence, pain, meanness, and hurt don’t have a place in my life anymore.

Will I still experience negativity and negative feelings? YES

Will I still experience violence, pain, meanness, hatred, and hurt?  YES

Will that negativity continue to define my life?  I sincerely hope not.

How will I work through this?  One moment at a time with lots of support from loved ones.

Thanks for reading

I’ve been practicing self care since the last post.  A lot of sleeping and a lot of cooking have brought my energy levels back up.  One load of laundry, a potential new apartment interview, taking care of taxes, knitting, and essay writing rounded out the rest of my physical self care strategies this weekend.  Meditation, deep breathing, a mindful walk, sensory grounding, and a call to the hotline rounded out my mental self care.

What I’m still struggling with:

Body memory and body self care.  In the last post, I mentioned how much the treatment impacted my body.  What I didn’t realize was the consequences of that impact.

The Positive

  • Less physical pain around my face, neck, and spine
  • Less swelling around my sinuses, ears, neck, and abdomen
  • More yucky stuff (aka toxins) getting released
  • More feeling in my legs and other muscle groups that have been numb for a while
  • Improved temperature regulation
  • Improved sleep

The Scary

  • Odd tingling pain and discomfort from hips (and are between) to toes that is starting to go away
  • Extreme tiredness and lack of energy immediately after treatment
  • Lots of recovered memories and memory fragments piecing together while awake and asleep
  • Had to take a “mental health day”
  • Tenderness in private parts that feels uncomfortable and triggering – don’t know how to cope with it
  • Increased visits to the bathroom that interrupt my sleep and feel oddly uncomfortable because the previously mentioned tender parts are affected.

Conclusion

I really need to talk with my intern practitioner about these sensations; glad Tuesday is only two days away.  And after that conversation, I may break my rule and ask my counselor to call me between sessions.  This discomfort is not something I’ve ever had to cope with long term and starting to distress me.

Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good about the self care.

Thanks for reading.

It’s March again.

The depression and feelings of shame/badness/evil are back.  I had a panic attack between yesterday and today.  It felt different, but I still had to take  the day off to sleep.

The body memory pain lessens with each acupuncture treatment – cupping and body work are helping too.  But the other pain – pain that comes from the toxins clogging my face and abdomen – increases.

While I am grateful for the pain (it means the toxins are moving out of my body) the headaches and sinus aches are triggering and distracting.  The back pain and abdominal pain feel scary until I burp or fart.  Then it feels slightly embarrassing.  Also feels triggering.

All I have to do is focus on self care until my next appointment with the counselor.  That’s what we agreed on in today’s session.  Me take care of myself in the best way possible.  Sleep.  Cook.  Be active, but not too active.  Conserve energy.  Prioritize goals.  Work.

And maybe this time the feelings of being evil, incompetent, stupid, etc. will not win.

Thanks for reading.

Sad N Blue

Effecting coping methods for depression and anxiety

karlaplarraga.wordpress.com/

Thoughts & Musings of a Communications Nerd in Dallas

takingthemaskoff

Addiction, Mental Health, Stigma, Spirituality

Planet Simon

A blog about life, the universe and some things that happen in it...

The Nerdy Lion

Lions can wear glasses too

Skills with frills

Skill-centered wellbeing and educational services in West Yorkshire, England.

Therapy Bits

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd

Broken.....Yet Cherished

My brokenness has led me to utter despair; desiring death even. But in this completely broken state I found the One that cherishes me more than any other.

Courage Coaching

HELPING YOU TAKE THAT FIRST STEP

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

%d bloggers like this: