****Please remember this is from an ALTER POV, not a counselor or provider POV***
I am darkness, a male child alter. I am dawn-to-dusk, a male child alter. I am Bree, a female child alter. I am Sienna, a female adolescent alter. I am Silence, a hermaphrodite adolescent alter. I am Willow, a tree alter. I am Rowan, a tree alter. I am Bamboo, a grass alter. I am Angora, an adult alter and twin to the part who interacts most with the outside world. We are the 5, 5 male alters all brothers with different names and age ranges. I am Purple, a female child alter. I am Blue, a female child alter. I am Night, a male child alter. I am Mist, a male child alter.
These are not our official names. We don’t have names by choice, but these work for the purposes of this website/blog. For every male child alter, there is also a female child alter, like twins. Not all of us decided to share names today. Many of us can’t speak or write even though we can communicate with each other. So one of the adults is helping us with the writing.
Most of the time, we communicate with each other in dreams. Sometimes we talk, but mostly we share daydreams and nighttime dreams. Most of the voices we hear inside are trauma memories that are lost and need to go home where they belong. Their home is someplace else with others who love and accept and respect them. And the ONLY time we can all really connect with each other is when our body is asleep.
That’s when all of the barriers in the physical world go down, and we only have to worry about what happens inside the brain. The brain is where we created our internal world and spend most of our time. But now we’re learning that we have to include other parts of our body in the world too if we want to fully recover from the past.
Some of those voices can’t go home because they’re missing parts too. Those parts are stored in different memory banks, i.e. our body parts, and need to be reunited with the scary voices and trauma memories in the brain so everyone can go home. Before we moved to the new home state, none of us (not even the know-it-alls) understood why those voices were howling at us and making our body hurt so much. They were moving deeper into our body.
And none of us could follow. We were separated by a force field and couldn’t move past the base of the skull. Everything below that was completely dark and empty-looking. What would happen if we did make it through the darkness to the other side? How would we survive the new place? Why did that darkness hurt so much? Where did it come from? And why did the pain get worse the closer we got to the darkness?
It got so bad that none of us wanted to sleep or be alone. That was hard on the adults and older adolescents. They were busy making sure everything was in order for the move and working at the job. So we started sharing our information during the sleep times and when no one was working. And the dreams unfolded like stories and movies. We always made sure to try to end them before work, but the trauma memories would sneak in and take over. They didn’t want the dreams to stop. And especially didn’t want anyone going to work.
Work and outside of the home base was too scary. Our body was vulnerable, and they wanted to keep attacking the force field. Eventually, the adults figured out what was happening. And ALL of us worked together with the trauma memories to make the pain stop until everyone was safe again.
After the move, the memories started attacking the force field again. And we child alters got curious. Feeling adventurous, we started checking out the force field too. And the black darkness made our bodies hurt. Made everyone tired. We started experiencing feelings that had been locked away for a long time. Remembering people who died or disappeared. Dreaming of past experiences without the holes.
Each time we fall asleep, that force field weakens. The darkness lightens up, becoming a lighter and lighter gray color. We feel scared and excited about what’s behind the force field. Already memories are leaking through on both sides. Good memories, bad memories, neutral memories. Feelings are leaking through too.
Maybe that’s why reconnecting with family is easier and less scary right now. Either way, something inside is changing. And feeling that force field separating our mind and body slowly erode inspires hope.
Thanks for reading.