One of the hardest parts about living and interacting with the outside world is being able to regulate my emotions when I dissociate. Many times, anger triggers dissociation and switching. Then an alter comes out to deal with the situation. Once over, that alter retreats, and I or one of the other “in-charge” alters comes back with no clue what just happened.
That’s scary. It feels out of control. The memories of what happened don’t always come back right away. Used to be those alters wouldn’t share what happened for weeks, months, years, even decades. Now, they share within hours or days. But the sharing comes as nightmares or daydreams out of context of when/where/how anything happened. Like living in 2 realities.
The past few days, I’ve been working on an exercise to write down what I am doing, thinking, and feeling whenever I feel even a little anger. Only problem is that I have not felt any anger this week. I felt sad, scared, and upset. I felt guilt and shame too.
Now I have to wonder if maybe one of these emotions is the real trigger. And then everything else gets expressed as anger.
Maybe someday, this will stop. And then I will feel more confident interacting and socializing with people. I will remember what happens when my boundaries get crossed and why people are treating me a certain way. I will remember why they feel the right to treat me that way and why I feel the need to be wary of them even though being polite is a must.
Finally, maybe this will help with some of the feelings of shame and guilt that come with the periods of not remembering.
Thanks for reading today’s ramble.