My name is Darkness. I am between 6 and 10 years old. My name comes from holding some of the darkest memories and feelings in our system. It was my job to protect the other parts from the monsters by creating walls between them and reality – aka a darkness that veiled the scary truth. I was and still am a protector – strong and independent and capable. I didn’t think that I needed any help; in fact asking for help was considered a weakness back then.
It wasn’t until the adults started going to therapy that I realized help is not a weakness. Offering help feels good and lessens the feelings of guilt and shame for not being able to protect everyone all the time. But accepting help? Admitting I couldn’t handle all of the memories, feelings, and triggers by myself? Admitting that I couldn’t do everything, protect everyone, prevent the others from remembering, maintain the dark veil? That I refused to believe for a long time.
Because what would I do? How could I be a useful part of the system if I wasn’t protecting everyone and myself from the scary memories? How would I cope with the voices and the pain that came from lifting the darkness? Who would want to help a monster like me? One who lived in perpetual darkness reliving what the monsters did to our mind and body?
No, I didn’t believe anyone would offer to help me unless that offer was a trick of some kind. I didn’t believe I deserved to be helped either. So I ignored the offers. And I denied needing anyone’s help.
Until the day, or was it evening, that I got caught in a trap that stuck me in the past and couldn’t get out on my own.
A whole group of alters (different ages and genders) came to find me. They told me I could get out of this easily. All I had to do was accept their offer of help. I didn’t believe them at first. I fought them. I insulted them. I hurt them. I fought myself. I insulted myself. I hurt myself. I pushed them away. I hid from them.
They always found me. They protected themselves without hurting me. They offered compassion. They stayed down in the pit with me and never, not once, left.
It felt like days, but was only hours – that last battle. I was so tired. I gave in and accepted their help. As soon as I opened up to the offer, the trap disappeared. No one was stuck anymore. We climbed out of the pit and made our way home. It was kind of embarrassing that the girl alters were stronger and faster than me fora long time as I recovered.
Boys are supposed to be stronger than girls. Smarter and faster too. But that’s a lie too. Maybe boys are physically stronger because of the differences in body shapes. But not stronger or smarter or faster in the other ways that count. Anyone can be strong and fast and smart; it has to do with the individual not the gender.
Sometimes I forget that I”m part of a system who loves and accepts me as I am. Sometimes I forget how important I am to the system; without me we wouldn’t be the AlterXpressions system (a unique, independent woman) and able to do so much. And without them, I wouldn’t be able to learn, grow, and do my job as part of the system that makes up the woman we are.
A woman with masculine and feminine characteristics who is learning to embrace all parts of herself as I learn to accept myself and my part in our system.
Thanks for reading.