I gave background in Part 1. The tattoos are healing nicely and a great reminder of the positive, happy experiences happening in the present. They are symbols of the positive direction my life is taking now. And looking at them, touching them reminds me of happy past memories too. They are a great grounding strategy to use anytime.
All of the positive feelings are overwhelming and anxiety provoking. I am not used to feeling them and experiencing the sensations they create inside me. I do not want to tone them down. I do not want to bring them down to calmer or less reactive levels. Nor do I want to bring them down to neutral. I want to ride the waves of feeling and sensation until they go away on their own.
All of my coping strategies are designed to help me dial down overwhelming feelings or anxiety. They bring me back to the present; distract me with something so that I can step back and be objective about the sensations instead of panicking; and give me an outlet for excessive energy when my adrenaline gets tapped. The relaxing and calming strategies help me learn to sit with uncomfortable sensations and feelings so that I am not distracted by them or triggered into flashbacks as often.
But positive feelings were so few and far between in my past as to be nonexistent. Now I’m not sure what to do or how to react to them.
- Learn to experience the positive feelings without getting overwhelmed and feeling anxious.
- Let the positive feelings flow through me until they go away on their own.
- Remember that I won’t get hurt for feeling happy.
- Remember that I deserve to be happy.
Conclusion for Part 2
If only I could figure out my options. I feel like I’m being twisted into pieces with the happy present and scary past coexisting inside me … sometimes fighting for the dominant position in my mind/body/self.