Recovery: Do People Try to Fix Their Pasts Through Their Children?


I am re-reading one of my favorite book series right now.  It’s called World of the Lupi (WOTL) by Eileen Wilks.  This series is different from some others I have mentioned.  For example, the female main character in the series is an American born Chinese homicide detective turned FBI agent.  The male main character is a werewolf (lupus) who is second in command of his clan and the public face of his people in a magic-hating, werewolf-fearing society.  The series starts in San Francisco, California and moves all over the United States, Canada, and Mexico.

In each book, magical crimes are committed; a mystery has to be solved; a thorny personal life involving the melding of two different cultures has to be navigated; and another clue about who is trying to take over the world as they know it is revealed.  The path to find answers requires the main and supporting characters to utilize traditional and non-traditional resources like history, the elderly, messages from deities, and faith.  Their journey to discovery is what continues to bring me in every time.

Meaning of the Title

Yesterday, as I re-read book 5, I came across an interesting quote:

“‘Grandmother says that parents are trying to raise temslevels all over again, repair the things their own parents did wrong.’  Grandmother said it in Chinese, and more eloquently.  But that’s what she meant.” ~ Lily Yu to Rule Turner

This had me thinking about my family and the families of other survivors.  Does the saying apply to abusers too?  What are they trying to fix by hurting their victims?  Do the abusers realize who they are hurting and why?  Does that matter?  And how do victims choose to continue the cycle or step away from it?

I never wanted to be like the people who gave birth to and raised me; neither did my parts.  Their actions and words influenced many of my choices.  At a crossroads or point of uncertainty, I’d ask myself: “What would Mom do?  What would Dad do?  How would my aunts/uncles/cousins/brother act and react?”  And then I chose to do or say the opposite even when doing so got me into more trouble and brought on more abuse.


My alters and I are fairly certain that we don’t want to have children.  The genetic material that created me is tainted in some way.  I promised myself a long time ago that I would not perpetuate the cycle by continuing the family line.  That does not mean adoption and foster care are out of the question.  In this case, I and my alters are confident that we could create a safe, nurturing environment without abuse to raise children if we wanted to.  But I don’t trust my genetic inheritance.

And maybe that is what the quote means.  Adults don’t want to do to their children what their parents did to them.  And since everyone is raised differently, the “do to their children” means something different to every parent and guardian.

Either way, I’d like to feel some confidence that I have the time, resources, support network, strength, and endurance to raise a child before I take on a responsibility like that.  Meaning, children and family are a nice dream, but probably not likely in this life time.  I am still busy figuring out how to take care of myself to be a good provider and caregiver.